The Urge

This topic contains 627 replies, has 34 voices, and was last updated by  Shazzie 1 year, 10 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #156382

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Be warned reb_popo

    A new US Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraq desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. “Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women… and… sometimes the men have ‘urges’. That’s why we have Molly The Camel”. The Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about ‘urges’. The camel can stay”.

    About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’ and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with Molly. When he’s done, he asks the First Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”. “No not really, sir… They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are”.

  • #180465

    kouklitsa
    Participant
    Neophyte

    HYSTERICAL !!!!

  • #180466

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Oh how disappointing I thought it said Surge, and was looking forward to reading something about the situation in Afghanistan……

    KANDAHAR, Afghanistan—In a rare break from traditional military secrecy, the U.S. and its allies are announcing the precise target of their first big offensive of the Afghanistan surge in an apparent bid to intimidate the Taliban. 😉

  • #180467

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    Is that a common kiwi habit? 😕

    Dusting off jokes that have a beard that’s grown so long they stand the risk of stepping on it? :unibrow: :unibrow:

    Or is it just you figuring that the old pharts on this forum wouldn’t remember a joke even if it had been told to them the day before? :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • #180468

    Shazzie
    Participant
    Oracle

    OH MY GOD !!!!

    I heard this joke when I was in the Air Force – that was 30 years ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Can’t believe it’s still doing the rounds – still as they say the old ones are the best – (Does that me mean me or the joke – not sure !!)

  • #180469

    sjs – GiH Admin
    Keymaster
    Aristotelic

    As for rude stuff…

    The doctor told me I had to stop masturbating.

    “Why?” I asked him.

    “Because I’m trying to examine you,” he said.

    GiH Admin

  • #180464

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Those jokes are so old, they would need a bottle of viagra to get be considered stand up comedy! :roll:

  • #180463

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Old jokes huh.
    Just goes to show how young I am. So you all heard it before eh. Some of us are still wet behind the ears you know.

    In fact…dare I say that am still pondering on the deep meaning of sjs’s contribution. Ahhh innocence.

    Ok you whingers give us some current ones then.

  • #180470

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    A renowned and famous cardiologist dies, hundreds are gathered and seated at the crematorium and as a gesture of his brilliant work the entrance to the funeral pire has been designed into the shape of a heart so that as the coffin enters the heart opens, closes behind him and takes him to his eternal resting place. As the doors close on the coffin a fit of laughter is heard at the back of the seats. Disgusted, the crowd turn and look at the man laughing

    ” I’m soo sorry!” says the man “but I’m a gynaecologist, I would love to see my funeral!”…….with that the proctologist fainted!

    😆

  • #180471

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) :))

  • #180472

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    ugh..what’s a proctologist? 😕

  • #180473

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Proctologist…is someone who pokes around the front portion of your name, kolo-fardos. Hope that clears up any illusions of grandeur :))

  • #180474

    Pappa Ouzo
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Oh so we’re talking about good old KP then are we

  • #180475

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yes quite correct Kiwi, proc·tol·o·gy (prŏk-tŏl’ə-jē) is
    the branch of medicine that deals with the diagnosis and treatment of disorders affecting the colon, rectum, and anus.
    Therefor a Proctologist is a person practicing this form of medicine, it is not at all clear how this person fits into Chanchi’s tale however as there appears to be no previous mention of the individual. :

  • #180476

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    OK

    So imagine the heart doctor’s coffin goes through the open heart which closes to form a full heart,

    The gynaecologist laughs as he imagines a vagina closing on his coffin as he goes through,

    The proctologist fainted imagining an anus closing around his coffin! ic_shock

    Need I say more 😆

  • #180477

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Chanchi……. I generally find that when a joke is explained, it ceases to be a joke! :roll: A bit like your atrocious avatar actually 😕 …..
    I take it you don’t do ‘subtlety’? :mrgreen:

    I wonder if ‘subtlety’ is a purely British thing? What do others of this esteemed parish think?

  • #180478

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Firstly Chanchi thank you for taking the trouble to explain your joke in such detail, It was not strictly necessary as I and I dare say most of the forum members who read it got the gist.

    Perhaps however in the interest of clarity when you tell this joke in the future you may wish to say… ” I’m soo sorry!” says the man “but I’m a gynaecologist, I would love to see my funeral!”…….with that a proctologist who was also in the congregation fainted!”

    The other thing I would say to you relates to this…@KP wrote:

    A bit like your atrocious avatar actually 😕 …..

    Don’t take any notice of that old sour puss, your avatar is delightful you make this old man very happy 8)

  • #180479

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    [/quote] Don’t take any notice of that old sour puss, your avatar is delightful you make this old man very happy 8)[/quote]
    That’s the thing about old age….. doesn’t take much to make an old man happy! :roll: We youngsters however haven’t reached that point of senility yet and need a lot more to make us happy! :mrgreen:

  • #180480

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    @KP wrote:

    That’s the thing about old age….. doesn’t take much to make an old man happy! :roll: We youngsters however haven’t reached that point of senility yet and need a lot more to make us happy! :mrgreen:

    We can always rely on KP for a witty rejoinder, and given his advancing years that one was not bad, but hopefully his arteries are not narrowing quite as quickly as his mind would appear to be :unibrow:

  • #180481

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    It’s not his arteries or mind we wan’t to worry about narrowing – refer him to the proctologist ! :)) Yep… That avatar also does it for me ! :)) :mrgreen:

  • #180482

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Oh you old codgers! Desperate to relive your youth when you’ve all but forgotten! :mrgreen: No wonder they call it your ‘second childhood’! :))

  • #180483

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    ooo thanks Kiwi, such a succint explanation that one could wish for, and i did really expect you would know all about ‘down under’..

    but ..

    getting slow in my old age so ……..well you did respond so quickly, caught me a bit unawares! wot with all the other old codgers jumping in there. Obviously they have nothing better to do!
    .
    .
    .
    ..

    💡 Aha! does your explanation, Kiwi, imply I have been making an arse of myself?
    😳

  • #180484

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    No No don’t hit the Submit button you old fool! You’ll just leave yourself open to more verbal abuse……..
    .
    .
    ….too late……

  • #180485

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    There, there kolo, after your appointment at the procto, you can have a pat and some sympathy from us. Of course you’re not an arse…that label is for the spammers.

  • #180486

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    OK, another one for the rude ones…

    What’s the difference between a fridge and a fanny?

    A fridge doesn’t fart when you take the meat out. :unibrow: :mrgreen:

  • #180487

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Ian…. clearly subtelty isn’t a Dutch thing either? :roll:

    These are what we referred to as ‘school-boy playground’ jokes….. they’re even older than Kolofart, Nimbus, yourself, etc, and we thought they were funny when we were 10 years old…. not so long ago for some of us as others :mrgreen:

    Haven’t you lot heard that the new funny makes one have to ‘think’?

  • #180488

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Now see what you have gone and done Ian, he is all upset again, at this rate the old boy will be running out of his hypertension pills :roll:

  • #180489

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Well,
    Heard the one about the bowler hatted Englishman who goes to visit relatives in Australia?

    .
    .
    .
    .

    He had never been there before and……….

    .
    .
    .
    .

    Ha! Hilarious! 😀 :) :)) 😀 :) :)) ic_wink

    One of those modern jokes that makes KP think (of the punchline) with his ‘young’ body and ‘agile’ mind :nod:

  • #180490

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    You didn’t have a liquid lunch today by any chance ? 😉

  • #180491

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @kolofarthos wrote:

    Well,
    Heard the one about the bowler hatted Englishman who goes to visit relatives in Australia?

    He had never been there before and……….

    Ha! Hilarious! 😀 :) :)) 😀 :) :)) ic_wink

    One of those modern jokes that makes KP think (of the punchline) with his ‘young’ body and ‘agile’ mind :nod:

    Bravo Kolofart….! Well done…… Now THAT’S what I call a REAL joke! :mrgreen:
    Still got me thinking……… :roll: and thinking……. :roll: and……. :retard:

  • #180492

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    Wasn’t Bowler hat a gold mining town ? :))

  • #180493

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Nah don’t fink so Ploger, rekon ol Farthos was just being silly….

    So to get the thread back on subject …

    A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

    Sorry KP, go have a nice lay down you will soon feel better :nod:

  • #180494

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yeah it was !… A play on words there. Bowler Hat = Balaratt !
    Some people talk of Bendigo & some of Firey creek – I made a fortune in a day ..and spent it in a week ! There you go – old Australian gold mining song ! :))

  • #180495

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    … And by the way – according to Greek friends – The wife could still mow the lawn… Up to about the fortieth week of confinement ! :))

  • #180496

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @sundodger wrote:

    … And by the way – according to Greek friends – The wife could still mow the lawn… Up to about the fortieth week of confinement ! :))

    and she only needs a short pause to give birth by the lawn mower, then she can carry on mowing again :roll:

    Actually Nimbus….. I thought that joke was rather funny. :mrgreen:

  • #180497

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Awww KP many appologies old chap! but the avatar stays! :p

  • #180498

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    …and the chap in the Bowler hat is a bit unwordly so does not know much about life in Australia. So his cousin Bruce says…

  • #180499

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Go on Kolo………says????? :))

  • #180500

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    😆 thought I’d missed the joke and KP saying he thought it was good 😆 now all my avatars going to make him go blind with rage!! 😆

  • #180501

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    To balance out the proctologist items…

    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

    Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

    At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena..

    ‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’

    ‘Your job is to give Elmo two TEST TICKLES!

  • #180502

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    reb_bravo :)) :))

  • #180503

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Boom BOOM 😆

  • #180504

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Now don’t all yell that you’ve heard it before..reading minds is not my forte. Just to allay the boredom.

    A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
    Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her
    husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
    protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
    some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time
    to be spoiled by her not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping
    soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
    decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
    costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
    ‘chick’ he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
    left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
    She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
    husband.

    After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
    her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made
    passionate love in the back seat.

    Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

    ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re
    not there.’ Then she asked, ‘Did you dance much?’

    He replied, ‘I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
    got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
    the spare room and played poker all evening.’

    ‘You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
    poker all night!’ she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the
    husband replied, ‘Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad…apparently he had the time of his life!

  • #180505

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    So this guy goes into the seafood restaurant, attracted by the fact that all dishes are prepared to order from “livestock” in the tank. He is shown to tank by Gervais the waiter & asked what he would like. After much thought he said he would like squid & pointed to the one in the corner, distinguished by it’s rather hairy lip, timid look & green colour.
    The squid was put upon a block in preparation for dispatch, when Gervais noted a tear in it’s eye. He was overcome with remorse & said to the customer that he just could not kill the poor creature! In view of this, the restaurant dishwasher – a large brutal looking chap, by the name of Hans, was called over to do the deed, but upon noting the sad disposition of the poor creature, he himself, was unable to be the cause of it’s demise !

    In conclusion therefore, it just goes to show that… Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais, with a mild green hairy lip squid !

  • #180506

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    SUNDODGER!!! Now that’s what I call a joke!! 😆
    Couldn’t stop laughing! AND wanted to share it with Mrs KP!

    Kiwi…. there must be some new stuff around…… or just some funny stuff would be good! :roll:

  • #180507

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    I did apologise in advance KP. Maybe you can rivet us all with some new stuff.

    Meanwhile, a smirk is better than zilch in my opinion.

  • #180508

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @kiwi wrote:

    ………. Meanwhile, a smirk is better than zilch in my opinion.

    Yes, I agree…… so, I’ll keep smirking. :mrgreen:

  • #180509

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    THE BLONDE AND THE TRUCKER

    As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside.

    She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, ‘Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.’

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. And as if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly,

    ‘Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!’ Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window again she says, ‘Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!’

    When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light when he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

    He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…….

    ……..Hi, my name is Kevin and I’m driving a bloody gritter!’ 😆

  • #180510

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
    One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
    The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
    Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn;
    I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.’
    A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’
    Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

    Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
    Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
    All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
    Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
    While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..
    He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
    he found himself turned back into a prawn.
    With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

    (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).

    Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
    ‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.
    ‘He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark’,
    came the reply.
    Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode.
    As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
    He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’
    Kristian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy,
    and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’
    Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’………

    (Wait for it………………………….)

    ‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a
    Prawn again Kristian’ 😆

  • #180511

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    reb_bravo Wonderful Chanci! Had myself a real good snicker. :))

  • #180512

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    I’m sorry to have to say it Chanchi, but your ‘Blonde & Trucker’ joke made me titter, and your ‘prawn & shark’ joke made me laugh out loud! 😆 Good ones! :mrgreen:

  • #180513

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    To continue with the next instalment of this hilarious tale… 😆 :)

    “…….What do you do for entertainment back in England”

    “Well says Bowler hat, we are quite civilised and cultured back in England so I’d probably go to my club, have a few drinks and read the periodicals with the other gents. What happens here, theatre, opera or do you have clubs too?”

  • #180514

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Sunday tomorrow…better make it a religious one.

    A priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains at Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talking shop.

    One day, someone commented that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they got together to discuss their experience.

    Father Flannery had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs. He went first. “Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and said, “Holy Mary Mother of God,” and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

    The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
    traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him: he was in really bad shape.

    Struggling to look up, he reflected, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

    .

  • #180515

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    brill Kiwi.

    Watch this space for my next thrilling instalment………..

  • #180516

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    …and keep them coming Chanchi. You’re both brightening up my day!

  • #180517

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport,comes this story.

    (Only the Irish could think of this).

    Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal
    Town.
    After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
    intoxicated that he could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
    officer quietly observing.

    After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a
    fine,dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
    honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

    At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
    and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing
    lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.

    To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man
    had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have
    to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser
    equipment must be broken.’

    ‘I doubt it,’ said Paddy , truly proud of him self. ‘Tonight I’m the
    designated decoy!

  • #180518

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Chanchi, you are really dusting off some old stuff :nod: but kiwi that one about the bear was a gem, wonderful 😛

  • #180519

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Sorry Nimbus…’must try harder’

    That’s the prob with being a younger member on the forum I guess I missed out 1st 2nd 3rd time they went round ic_wink

  • #180520

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    @Chanchi wrote:

    Sorry Nimbus…’must try harder’

    That’s the prob with being a younger member on the forum I guess I missed out 1st 2nd 3rd time they went round ic_wink

    Ha, cross swords with me would you, you little minx, don’t know about 1st 2nd or 3rd time your last three “jokes” came under the category of “not a joke is told till its ten years old”.
    And I note that KP said… @KP wrote:

    I’m sorry to have to say it Chanchi, but your ‘Blonde & Trucker’ joke made me titter, and your ‘prawn & shark’ joke made me laugh out loud! 😆 Good ones! :mrgreen:

    what kind of an endorsement was that, given his track record :roll:
    So no gold star for you, certainly must try harder 8)

  • #180521

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    So its visiting time at the hospital where young Charlie’s grand dad is gravely ill, Charlie just can’t wait to see his grand dad and dashes on ahead of his grand mother and his parents, upon reaching his grand dads bed he excitedly says to grand dad, “ Grand dad can you make a noise like a frog”? Why yes I daresay I could replies his grand dad, but why do you want me to ? Well replied Charlie grandma says as soon as you croak we can all go to Disney Land. 😐

  • #180522

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    “yeah mate we have loads o’ clubs” says Bruce and takes the Gent off to an Aussie rules match where they drink several tinnies. After the match the rather pompous Englishman is told “Eating here is a real feast too, Lets toss a few shrimps on the Barbie and roast Sundodger’s pig”

    Feeling rather full the visitor requests an easy civilised evening.
    “Ive got just the thing in town” exclaims Bruce to the aloof chap.
    .
    ……. to be continued…..

  • #180523

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    No whingeing folks…the jokes don’t come with a use-by date attached.
    You old farts that have heard ’em all before can dig up some new ones for us, we await…meanwhile;

    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink
    And a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it Over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene : What in the hell is that?
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
    Arlene : Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
    ‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

  • #180524

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Oh dear Kiwi, I can feel the wrath of KP descending upon you even as I type :nod:

  • #180525

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    YES that’s twice you’ve mentioned ‘camel’ ! pmsl I thought it was funny! 😀

  • #180528

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Hey I loved this one, think you guys will as well…….

    Britain in decline

    President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
    They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
    President Obama goes first: “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
    The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:
    “The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
    Gordon Brown thinks “It’s not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks:
    “What will Britain be like in 100 years time?”
    The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
    But he just stares at it.
    “Come on Gordon” says Obama, “Tell us what it says”
    “I can’t! It’s all in Arabic!” :nod:
    __________________

  • #180529

    DayGloScooter
    Participant
    Neophyte

    President of Pepsi-Cola Corporation dies, and is at the Pearly Gates.

    “Tell you what, St.Peter. I will give all the factories of PepsiCo to the Church, if you can amend The Lord’s Prayer to include ‘…this day our daily bread, and Pepsi.‘. “

    “I can’t authorise that” says St.Peter. “I’ll have to ask the Boss”

    So they go to ask God…

    God thinks for a moment…

    “Sure we can do the deal” says God, “but first I’ll need to check our contract with the Bakers”

  • #180526

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    reb_bravo guys…enjoyed!

    How come this thread has a lot of readers and only a few posters…Come on you others, SHARE yours!

    The new rules are that nobody is allowed to say they’ve heard it before because it curbs the spontaineity of the shy ones.

    We await…

  • #180527

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    I love this Doctor! ( he is chinese, by the way)

    Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it…don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain…good!

    Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! ‘Round’ a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

    AND…..

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    CONCLUSION:

    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
    😆

  • #180530

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    Oh yes ! :)) … That’ll do for me LOL…. Please. please say you work for the NHS ! :))

  • #180531

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Loved that Chanchi! 😆

    Good to see lots of good ones posted today…..
    Even nimbus’s would have been even funnier if it wasn’t so close to the truth! 😕
    So thanks for cheering up my day, Chanchi, DayGlo and Nimbey! :mrgreen:

  • #180532

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @sundodger wrote:

    Oh yes ! :)) … That’ll do for me LOL…. Please. please say you work for the NHS ! :))

    I tell the truth when I say….I work for the NHS! :nod: 😆

  • #180533

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    My life is now complete ! :))

  • #180534

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Ahhh well…time for me to ruin the good record of unheard ones…

    Gordon the Chicken

    Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young hens, called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets’ eggs.

    Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
    sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

    The farmer’s favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

    Trevor went to investigate.

    The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.
    He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The Result?
    The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

    Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

    Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?………….

    ( Feel free to Insert any name according to your nationality…Greeks may like George).

  • #180535

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Ah they just keep coming getting better and better.

    Beware my next installment of he who visits down under!

    Watch this space……

  • #180536

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    yes….. all the latest have been really great! :mrgreen: Even Kiwi’s joke! Loved it! :mrgreen: I’m also really pleased to see that they’re all ‘clean’ as well! See? They don’t have to be ‘nasty’ to be funny! :mrgreen:
    Keep them coming! reb_bravo

  • #180537

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Hospital IRS Audit

    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

    “Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

    “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

    “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

    “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

    “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
    “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

    “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office… and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

  • #180538

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Black Testicles

    A male patient is lying in bed
    in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
    still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
    A young student nurse appears to give him a
    partial sponge bath.

    Nurse,’
    he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’
    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
    ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash
    your upper body.’He struggles to ask again,

    ‘Nurse, are my
    testicles black?’
    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
    she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
    pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his
    penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
    lifting and moving them around and around gently.

    Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and says very slowly,
    ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
    very, very closely……

    ‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s -b a c k ?’

  • #180539

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Morning Sex

    She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
    Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

    The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

    As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

    Softly,” You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

    My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming

    Or this is going to be my lucky day!”

    Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

    Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

    Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,

    Her T-shirt still around her neck..

    Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

    She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

  • #180540

    nikanne
    Participant
    Homeric

    😆 well that is definitely the best one yet :) :) :)

  • #180541

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    I went to the zoo the other day to see all the animals. :)

    I was very dissapointed, :( there was only one very small dog 😥 .

    It was a shitzoo……. :finger:

  • #180542

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    > From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a
    > sport,
    > comes this story.
    >
    >
    > (Only the Irish could think of this).
    >
    >
    > Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal
    > Town.
    > After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
    > intoxicated that he could barely walk.
    >
    >
    > The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
    > officer
    > quietly observing.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five
    > different
    > vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there
    > for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
    > off.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a
    > fine,
    > dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
    > honked
    > the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a
    > few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more
    > minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
    > out
    > and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited
    > patiently
    > all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing
    > lights,
    > and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man
    > had
    > consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have
    > to
    > ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser
    > equipment
    > must be broken.’
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > ‘I doubt it,’ said Paddy , truly proud of him self. ‘Tonight I’m the
    > designated decoy!

  • #180543

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Ata girl chanci… reb_bravo

  • #180544

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    And for the Welsh..

    The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
    They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

    “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,” they said. “When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?”

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales . “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?”
    The Vet replied with a wistful distant look in his eye . . . . . . . . .
    “My wife is from Wales “

  • #180545

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Kiwi,

    I cannot believe that?

    Comments (and opportunity) from Grocer needed here, me thinks. Seen some right Welsh goers in Cardiff boyo?…or would that be telling?

  • #180546

    jeanjeanie
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Did you hear the one about the Welsh soldier back from the Falklands war? He was leading a sheep around his home village by a pretty pink ribbon round it’s neck.

    It was a war bride>

  • #180547

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    What do you call three sheep tied to a fence in wales ?……………… A leisure centre ! :))

  • #180548

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

    01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    03. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

    04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

    05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    07.. Things you buy now won’t wear out

    08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

    09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

    10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

    13. You sing along with elevator music.

    14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

    15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

    16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

    17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

    18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

    19.You can’t remember who sent you this list..

    And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. :
    __________________

  • #180549

    mavro-skilo
    Participant
    Neophyte

    For years, commentators have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were
    so bad at playing football that hell would freeze over before they would
    ever win the Super Bowl.

    On Sunday, February 7, 2010 the Saints won the Super Bowl.

    On that same Sunday, Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of
    snow and the Federal Government was shut down.

    You couldn’t make it up…

  • #180550

    mavro-skilo
    Participant
    Neophyte

    The Economy is so bad that:

    -I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
    -I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

    -CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

    -If the bank returns your check marked Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

    -Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

    -McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    -Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

    -A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

    -Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

    -The Mafia is laying off judges.

    -Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    -Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

    -And, finally ….

    I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

  • #180551

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Blonde moment.
    That last bit about being suicidal got me for about 5 mins…then realised what it meant…as in b o m b e r driving a truck.

  • #180552

    Pappa Ouzo
    Participant
    Neophyte

    1. Men are like Laxatives
    They irritate the crap out of you.

    2 Men are like Bananas
    The older they get, the less firm they are.

    3. Men are like Weather
    Nothing can be done to change
    them.

    4. Men are like Blenders
    You need One, but you’re not quite sure why..

    5. Men are like Chocolate Bars
    Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
    for your hips.

    6. Men are like Commercials
    You can’t believe a word they say.

    7. Men are like Department Stores
    Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

    8. Men are like Government Bonds
    …. They take soooooooo long to mature.

    9. Men are like Mascara
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    10. Men are like Popcorn
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    11. Men are like Snowstorms
    You never know when they’re coming, how many
    inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

    12.
    Men are like
    Lava Lamps
    Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    13..
    Men are like
    Parking Spots
    All the good ones are taken, the rest are
    handicapped.

    Now
    send this to all the remarkable women you know,
    as well as to any understanding good-natured,
    fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know
    !!!!!!!!!!

  • #180553

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Kiwi, you are going to love this one…

    He Said … She Said

    She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? …
    He said: It’s not my fault! I ran out of money!

    He said: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it. …
    She said: You wear briefs, don’t you?

    He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way. …
    She said: Well, you succeeded.

    He said: Two inches more, and I would be king. …
    She said: Two inches less, and you’d be queen.

    On wall in ladies room: “My husband follows me everywhere.” …
    Written just below it: “I do not!”

    He said: “Shall we exchange positions tonight?” …
    She said: “That’s a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.”

    He said: “How about a quickie?” …
    She said: “As opposed to what?”

    Priest said: I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband. …
    She said: Who’s gonna look?

    He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? …
    She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

    He said: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. …
    She said: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

    He said: Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm? …
    She said: I would, but you’re never there.
    __________________
    😆

  • #180554

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Baptising an Irishman

    An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the water. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

    The drunk shouts “Yes oi am”

    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies “No, oi haven’t found Jesus”. The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again ”Have you found Jesus my brother?” The drunk again answers “No, oi haven’t found Jesus”. By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again. But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk “For the love of God have you found Jesus?”

    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Preacher, “Are you sure dis is where he fell in?”

  • #180555

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Great minds think alike nimbus…was dying of boredom on the site.

    And these revelations are ALL TRUE!

    EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EPISODES

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells at me . . ..’
    My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.’
    I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s
    dress and began to take off her underwear.
    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – – –
    and I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
    San Francisco

    2. At the beginning of my shift
    I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
    and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
    ‘Big breaths,’. . . I instructed.
    ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . .replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
    Seattle , WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
    news when I told a wife that her husband had
    died of a massive myocardial infarct.

    Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
    reporting to the rest of the family that he had
    died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

    4. During a patient’s two week follow-up
    appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
    me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
    one of his medications..
    ‘ Which one ?’. . . I asked. ‘The patch…
    The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it !’
    I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
    I wouldn’t see.
    Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

    Now, the instructions include removal of
    the old patch before applying a new one.

    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
    Norfolk , VA

    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
    I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
    After a look of complete confusion she answered . .. .
    ‘ Why? Not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
    Corvallis , OR

    6. I was performing rounds at the
    hospital one morning and while checking
    up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your
    breakfast this morning?’ ‘ It’s very good
    except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem
    to get used to the taste.’. . . Bob replied.
    I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
    a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
    Detroit ,

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
    when a young woman with purple hair styled
    into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
    of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
    entered .. .. . It was quickly determined that
    the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
    scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
    table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
    been dyed green and above it there was a
    tattoo that read . . .’ Keep off the grass.’

    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
    wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing,
    which said ‘Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.’

    Submitted by RN no name

    AND FINALLY!! ! . .. . . .. . . . . . . . . . .

    8… As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
    I was quite embarrassed when performing female
    pelvic exams… To cover my embarrassment
    I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
    and further embarrassing me.
    I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
    ‘ I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
    She replied with tears running down
    her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

    ‘ No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
    ‘ I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’ ‘

    Dr. wouldn’t submit his name….

  • #180556

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    (True Story)

    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

    Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed,
    when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

    George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.” George said, “Okay.”

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to Phillip, “I thought you said that you’d
    shot them!” Phillip said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

  • #180557

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    An oldie…

    Making a baby.

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
    surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
    to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off
    now. The man should be here soon.’

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
    happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning,
    Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

    ‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been
    expecting you.’

    ‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you
    know babies are my specialty?’

    ‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
    seat !.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

    ‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
    couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
    floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

    ‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and
    me!’

    ‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
    try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
    I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

    ‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

    ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In
    and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

    ‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
    baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

    ‘Oh, my!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their
    mother was so difficult to work with.’

    ‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

    ‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
    job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
    good look’

    ‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    ‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too.
    The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly
    concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
    Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
    to pack it all in.’

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
    uh…equipment?’

    ‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod
    and we can get to work right away.’

    ‘Tripod?’

    ‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much
    too big to be held in the hand very long.’
    Mrs. Smith fainted

  • #180558

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

    Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    It seemed a little strange.

    When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

    ‘Well, ‘he explained,’the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

    If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

    Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’

    “Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

    By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

    I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

    ‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.

  • #180560

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    My goodness, I take a trip out of the country and I come back to this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So, here goes……………..

    One day in line at the works cafeteria, Jake says to Mike “my elbow hurts like hell, I suppose I must see a doctor.”
    “Listen mate, don’t waste your time at the surgery, Mike replies. There’s a diagnostic computer down at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and it will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid … it’s a lot quicker and better than a doctor AND you get Clubcard points.”
    So Jake gets his sample and takes it to Tesco. He pays his five pounds and submits the urine sample. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout. ” You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks”

    That evening, Jake was marvelling at the technology and wondered if the computer could be fooled. SO….
    He mixed some tap water, one of his dog’s turds, urine samples from his daughter and wife, and “pleasured himself” into the mixture for good measure.
    The next day he hurries to Tesco eager to check what the computer would say. He pays his five pounds and pours the concoction into the machine and awaits the results with a grin.

    The computer prints the following :-

    1. Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm, bathe him with an anti-fungicidal shampoo.
    3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit, get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren’t yours, get a lawyer.
    5.And, if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT TESCO

  • #180561

    DayGloScooter
    Participant
    Neophyte

    That was the best yet:Thanks.




    oOo-





    A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

    The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.

    He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”

    Paddy handed his drink back and said “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”




    oOo-




    Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

    The operator asks “How many people are flying with you ?”

    Paddy replies “I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!”




    oOo-




    Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours’ dog is barking like

    mad in the garden. Paddy says “To hell with this!” and storms off.

    He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks “What did you do ?”

    Paddy replies “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”




    oOo-




    Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

    Mick say “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!”

    Paddy says “What’s his name ?”

    Mick replies “Miles, from London !”

  • #180559

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

    I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

    What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “I wish I had your will power.”

    Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife Wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

    The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

    First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
    Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

    How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

    Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

    If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

    Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

    A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
    And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.
    __________________

  • #180562

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Can’t remember if this was posted…can’t be biffed searching..
    5 minute management course…

    Lesson 1
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n@ked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
    ‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
    Moral of the story:
    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Lesson 2
    A priest offered a Nun a lift.
    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
    The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
    The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 3:
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
    They rub it and a Genie comes out.
    The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
    ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone.
    ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4
    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 5
    A turkey was chatting with a bull.
    ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
    Moral of the story:
    Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

    Lesson 6
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field..
    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
    The dung was actually thawing him out!
    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
    (3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
    THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

  • #180563

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

  • #180564

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Well said Nimbus! You read my mind………….doh! 😳

  • #180565

    Circe
    Participant
    Neophyte

    …I’m sure most of you know this one, but just in case you haven’t seen it, this is a classic…

    “Tendjewberrymud”
    The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review…

    Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). Be warned, you’re going to find yourself talking “funny” for a while after reading this. It was nominated “best email of 1997″.

    Room Service (RS): “Morny. Ruin sorbees”

    Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service”

    RS: “Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??”

    G: “Uh…yes…I’d like some bacon and eggs”

    RS: “Ow July den?”

    G: “What??”

    RS: “Ow July den?…pry, boy, pooch?”

    G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”

    RS: “Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?”

    G: “Crisp will be fine.”

    RS : “Hokay. An San tos?”

    G: “What?”

    RS: “San tos. July San tos?”

    G: “I don’t think so”

    RS: “No? Judo one toes??”

    G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means.”

    RS: “Toes! toes!…why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
    we bother?”

    G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine.
    Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

    RS: “We bother?”

    G: “No…just put the bother on the side.”

    RS: “Wad?”

    G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”

    RS: “Copy?”

    G: “Sorry?”

    RS: “Copy…tea…mill?”

    G: “Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all.”

    RS: “One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
    baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??”

    G: “Whatever you say”

    RS: “Tendjewberrymud”

    G : “You’re welcome”

  • #180566

    The Grocer
    Participant
    Oracle

    Steve was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated….But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way….

    One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

    But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

    The next day he had set up three interviews.

    The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Steve got very angry and threw him out….

    The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And she replied: Well, you have no ears. Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

    The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: Do you notice anything different about me? And to his surprise, the young man answered: Yes. You wear contact lenses….

    Steve was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuc*^%g ears!”

  • #180567

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    😛 yep we liked that one Mr Sainsbugs :nod:

  • #180568

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Two ladies are out for tea :—-

    “Any idea what your getting for your birthday”?

    “Flowers from Bob, that’s a given”.

    “What’s wrong with that”?

    “Well, he always has “expectations” after giving me flowers, and I don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air”

    “Don’t you have a vase” ?? ic_wink

  • #180569

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Dear Lord,

    I know that I haven’t talked to you that much, but in the past year you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett, my favourite musician, Michael Jackson, my favourite fashion designer, Alexander McQueen, and my favorite chef, Keith Floyd.

    I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is Gordon Brown.

    Amen

  • #180570

    Circe
    Participant
    Neophyte

    *snort*

    Good one! 😆

  • #180571

    elainetucker
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @nimbus wrote:

    Dear Lord,

    I know that I haven’t talked to you that much, but in the past year you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett, my favourite musician, Michael Jackson, my favourite fashion designer, Alexander McQueen, and my favorite chef, Keith Floyd.

    I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is Gordon Brown.

    Amen

    Fantastic!!!! Go to the top of the leader board!!!!!

  • #180572

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes back home. Picking up the urn he was in she poured the ashes onto the patio table.

    Then, whilst tracing her fingers through the ashes, she started talking to him ……………

    “You know that dishwasher you promised me, I bought it with the insurance money”

    She paused for a minute tracing her finger in the ashes, then said ” remember that car you promised me, well I also bought that with the insurance money”

    Again, she paused for a few minutes then said “remember that diamond ring you promised me, I bought that too with the money”

    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said “remember that blow job I promised you ?”

    “Here it comes !”

  • #180574

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Cheer up you lot…v slightly R rated so don’t read if you get offended.

    Why’s of Men

    1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

    (because they are plugged into a genius)

    2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
    (they don’t have enough time)

    3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
    (they don’t stop to ask directions)

    4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
    (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
    (You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)

    5.. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
    (so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)

    6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
    (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

    7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
    (don’t know….it never happened)

    ( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

  • #180575

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    @kiwi wrote:

    7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
    (don’t know….it never happened)

    To be totally honest, I never got that one? 😕 😕

    I mean, a man comes to the toilet and finds the seat in a position that’s not convenient to him…

    He’s the one who’s to put it up.

    Why can’t a woman put the seat down if that’s her preferred position for it?

    Why are men expected to put it down again after they’re done 😕 😕
    (I don’t see women putting the seat up after they‘re done.)

    I’m not joking, I truly cannot understand why we men have to make sure everything is neat and ready for the women and the women can’t seem to bother to do the same for men? 😕 😕 😕

  • #180576

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @Ian wrote:

    @kiwi wrote:
    7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
    (don’t know….it never happened)

    To be totally honest, I never got that one? 😕 😕

    I mean, a man comes to the toilet and finds the seat in a position that’s not convenient to him…

    He’s the one who’s to put it up.

    Why can’t a woman put the seat down if that’s her preferred position for it?

    Why are men expected to put it down again after they’re done 😕 😕
    (I don’t see women putting the seat up after they‘re done.)

    I’m not joking, I truly cannot understand why we men have to make sure everything is neat and ready for the women and the women can’t seem to bother to do the same for men? 😕 😕 😕

    LOL… EXCELLENT OBSERVATION CLOGGIE! :nod:

    Oh dear….. what with you agreeing with me in an earlier post today and now me agreeing with you in this one, people will begin to talk…. :mrgreen:

  • #180573

    rheia
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Well done Kiwi. Very funny

  • #180577

    brenda
    Participant
    Hoplite

    I agree with you, Ian. I’ve had that thought myself!! ic_smile

  • #180578

    Brigadier Frogmorton
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Toilet seats? Toilet seats? Why, we never had such luxuries in the trenches you know! Men gone soft these days! That’s the problem with you chaps these days.

  • #180579

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    And the answer is………………………….that no man would ever notice our efforts to put the seat up for you…however if the seat is left up, it gives us reason for some interaction with you. We just want some conversation, and… not to have to sit on your drips. Come to think of it said drips usually land on the floor because the seat is up.

    Someone, please come up with a unisex design. ic_confused

  • #180581

    DayGloScooter
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @kiwi wrote:

    Someone, please come up with a unisex design. ic_confused

    Here’s my design

  • #180580

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    😆 😆 😆 but……………..if you are fat?

  • #180582

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Saturday morning he got up early, quietly dressed, made lunch,
    grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    He hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
    His loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

    And then the fight started ……… 😆

  • #180583

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    😀 :))

  • #180584

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    That’s all very well….. but what happened to the dog? You didn’t just leave him out there did you? :

  • #180585

    gregstav
    Participant
    Neophyte

    A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

    Woman: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the
    license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

  • #180586

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yes liked that Greg….. Reminds me of the true (i think) story of the guy in the UK who phoned the police to complain that yobs were breaking into his garden shed, he was told that no officers were available to respond but that he would be given a crime number for insurance purposes. he said well thats fine but I do in fact have a shot gun and I am going to let those yobs have both barrels, within minutes four police cars and a helicopter arrived and the guy was arrested. :

  • #180587

    gregstav
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Another oldie that cracks me up

    A man feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he
    thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
    her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
    could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away
    from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
    you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
    response.’

    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
    in the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what
    happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

    No response.

    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
    wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

    Still no response.

    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
    his wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

    Again he gets no response.

    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey,
    what’s for dinner?’ Again there is no response.

    So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

    (I just love this)

    ‘Frank , for the FIFTH F***ing’ time, CHICKEN!!!’

  • #180588

    gregstav
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.

    “One thing about Fred,” his buddy says to the bartender. “He knows when to stop.”

  • #180589

    DayGloScooter
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @nimbus wrote:

    …. Reminds me of … the guy in the UK who phoned the police … I do in fact have a shot gun … within minutes four police cars and a helicopter arrived … :

    Reminds me of @Kiwi, on page 7 of this thread wrote:

    (True Story)

    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

    Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK…

    Senility:’Tis a terrible thing.

    I said “SENILITY:’TIS A..” Oh, never mind.

  • #180590

    Pappa Ouzo
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Eh ????

  • #180591

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    @Pappa Ouzo wrote:

    Eh ????

    quite :roll:

  • #180592

    gregstav
    Participant
    Neophyte

    So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”

    And this is what I said: “I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated. I think maybe we’re here just to teach a kid how to bunt or eat sunflower seeds without using his hands. We’re here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We’re here to look all over, give up, and then find the ball in the hole.”

    “We’re here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt, and the Converse sneakers we lettered in on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be. We’re here to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing, and still call it a perfect morning. We’re here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We’re here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.”

    “I don’t think the meaning of life is gnashing our teeth over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We’re here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn’t. “I don’t think we’re here to make Sports Center. The really good stuff never does. Like finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible, and an unopened map of Vermont’s back roads.”

    “None of us will find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, ‘I wish I’d spent more time on the Hibbings account.’ We’re going to say, ‘That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!’ “See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy, when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We’re not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven.

    “Does that answer your question, son?”

    And he said, “Not really, Dad.”

    And I said, “No?”

    He replied, “I was wondering why we are here when Mom told us to pick her up 40 minutes ago.”

  • #180593

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) Yup its a man thing…you guys never listen (to us wives).

    I remember many years ago when the kids were young, and we were going to a wedding…kids and dad went to the car and I was returning to see if the iron was turned off…lock the doors go back to the car and instead see it half way down the street with the kids jumping up and down on the back seat gesticulating wildly.

    He had actually forgotten to take me, and driven off.

  • #180594

    The Grocer
    Participant
    Oracle

    2 women just called at my door and asked what bread I ate?
    I said ‘white’ they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30mins!

    ‘******g Hovis Witnesses’

  • #180595

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
    vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who
    drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
    closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the
    chassis.

    Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
    his private parts into glaringly public ones..
    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
    put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

    On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
    staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

    The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

  • #180596

    gregstav
    Participant
    Neophyte

    ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.
    ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’.

    ‘Is it common?’
    ‘It’s not unusual.’ :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • #180597

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
    to time, who cleans up and who has a job.

    2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

    3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie
    to you.

    4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
    with you.

    5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t ever meet each
    other.

    :nod:

  • #180598

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Is this a subtle clue to where you have been nimbus?

  • #180599

    gregstav
    Participant
    Neophyte

    I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
    school class to see if they understood the
    concept of getting into heaven.

    I asked them, “If I sold my house and my
    car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
    money to the church, would that get me
    into heaven?”

    “NO!” the children answered.

    “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
    the garden and kept everything tidy, would
    that get me into heaven?”

    Again, the answer was ‘No!’

    By now I was starting to smile.

    “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
    gave sweeties to all the children, and
    loved my husband, would that get me
    into heaven?”

    Again, they all answered ‘No!’

    I was just bursting with pride for them.

    I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”
    A six year old boy shouted,

    “Ye’ve got tae be fukin’ dead”
    Kinda brings a wee tear to your eye…

  • #180600

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Love it!!!

  • #180601

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    head!cid_2F0202179DDA44849A30FAC3D857D8A6@OwnerPC.jpg[/attachment:2hifsx6n]

  • #180602

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Just about to sit down for dinner before the WC final, and this came in !!

    England’s new shirt sponsors :unibrow:

    headimage001.jpg[/attachment:2gho8i4o]

  • #180603

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yes great!! do you think he realised he was making a fool of himself, but then I guess that pic was taken before he did, and how about the final last night …..wow it was more like a war …..never seen so many red and yellow cards 😆

  • #180604

    AntonisX
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @nimbus wrote:

    …and how about the final last night …..wow it was more like a war …..never seen so many red and yellow cards 😆

    I have seen matches with Spain in it where there were more cards. I remember a game with old Yugoslavia where they were kicking like De Jong and even kicking the ref in his butt… Might have been an idea for last night? :unibrow:
    reb_popo

  • #180605

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    And now, one for the ladies ! ic_wink

    headMen_column.jpg[/attachment:2uo8riju]

    8)

  • #180606

    AntonisX
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @the reiver wrote:

    And now, one for the ladies ! ic_wink

    headMen_column.jpg[/attachment:22pcw1lp]

    8)

    No, no! All wrong! Start with checking if you still have fuel. :roll:

  • #180607

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Eh ? :retard:

    8)

  • #180608

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE…..

    A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

    Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, “You lazy #$%&! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!”

    I thought ‘women!’ Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

    After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I’m really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives… then maybe they’ll take good care of us.

    I’ve attached a picture below…hope it comes through OK

  • #180612

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    A man is watching a golf match on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

    “I don’t know whether to watch them or the tournament,” he says to his wife.

    “For Heaven’s sake, watch them,” his wife says.

    “You already know how to play golf!” 😛

  • #180610

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Paddy Died
    His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

    As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
    “Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased,” she said.
    “To be sure you’re right,” replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

    “So go on, how much did this really cost?'”
    “All of it,” said Colleen. “Forty thousand.”

    “Aw No!” Mary exclaimed. “I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!”
    Colleen answered, “The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.
    The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”

    Mary computed quickly. “For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”

    headATT00001.jpg[/attachment:3f8h1o7z]

  • #180611

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

    A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

    The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!!

    The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!!

    Why are you scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something…

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

  • #180609

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    The 1st Affair:

    A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
    One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
    He put on his shoes and drove home.

    “Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
    “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”

    “You lying bastard!
    You’ve been playing golf!”

    The 2nd Affair:

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
    They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
    He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”

    The 3th Affair:

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
    “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”

    She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
    “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”

    “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
    “Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”

    No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
    Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

    “Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

    The 4th Affair:

    A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
    “Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”

    “One Cent?” the man thought.
    He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

    “A nickel,” the barman replied.
    “A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

    The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
    The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

    The bartender replied,
    “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

    The 5th Affair:

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
    He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”

    “There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
    “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”

    “I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”

  • #180613

    Shazzie
    Participant
    Oracle

    Totally brilliant Chanchi – loved every one !

  • #180614

    Chanchi
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Old Timers Sex

    This is too funny to be dirty – enjoy!

    The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over
    fifty years ago?

    We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

    ‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

    ‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

    ‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
    and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence

    I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.
    So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

    Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
    As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
    Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

    This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
    and moaning and screaming.

    Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed.
    He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
    the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

    The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,
    this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

    ‘Excuse me, but that was something else.
    You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.
    Is there some sort of secret to this?’

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

    ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

  • #180615

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    SCHOOL — 1970 vs. 2010

    Scenario:
    Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

    1970 – Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life.

    2010 – Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

    Scenario:
    Robbie won’t Keep still in class, disrupts other students.

    1970 – Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmasterl. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

    2010 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

    Scenario :
    Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

    1970 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

    20010 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Goverment psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

    Scenario :
    Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

    1970 – Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with.

    2010 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

    Scenario :
    Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ant’s nest.

    1970 – Ants die.

    2010- Police, Armed Forces, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

    Scenario :
    Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

    1970 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

    2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

    There is some truth in this!!

  • #180616

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Kalofart…… I totally disagree with you when you say that there is ‘some truth’ in this………. There is TOTAL truth in this!! 😕
    Tragically, it is so true that if we didn’t laugh at it, we’d want to cut our own throats in despair! 😯

  • #180617

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
    They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
    They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
    Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
    They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
    They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
    Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.
    Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
    Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
    There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

    The “criminals” would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
    Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
    Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
    Justice for all we say.

    Now ain’t this all the truth :

  • #180618

    Pappa Ouzo
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Paddy finally got his computer at work and entered his password as directed by IT it read thus
    mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofydublin
    After a few days his boss called him in and enquired why have you used that stupid long password.
    Bejazus !! he said are ye fekin stupid I was only doing what IT told me they said the I had to use at least eight characters and one must be a capital 😆 😆

  • #180619

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Davie and Chas were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Davie said, “Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!”.

    Chas says, “Me as weel. Y’ken, I’ve heard ye can swallie jet fuel and get a buzz. Ye gonnae try it?

    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch and get completely smashed.

    The next morning Davie wakes up and is surprised at how good he
    feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. nothing! Then the phone rings…It’s Chas.

    Chas says, “Hey, how do you feel this mornin’?”

    Davie says, “Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?”

    Chas says, “I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?”

    Davie says, “Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff – nae hangover,
    nothin’. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o’ Smirnoff.”

    “Aye! But there’s just one thing…”

    “Whit’s that?”.

    “Have ye farted yet?”

    “Naw…”

    “Well, DINNAE, ’cause I’m in Dusseldorf.

  • #180620

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    LOL Kalofart…… so is that how you got your name? 😆

  • #180621

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    hmmmm, maybe!

  • #180622

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    It was good to catch up on all the latest jokes…put a grin on my face and a chance to forget the present. Keep em rolling. :))

  • #180623

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, ‘I can’t be bothered to walk all the way home.’

    ‘I know, me too but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.’

    ‘We could steal a bus from the depot.’ replies his mate.

    They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

    After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, ‘What are you doing? Have ye not found one yet?’

    ‘I can’t find a No. 91′

    ‘Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.

  • #180624

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    I loved this about cheap airlines… Funny and extremely well done. Enjoy

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc&feature=player_embedded

  • #180625

    DayGloScooter
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Kostas is driving round Athens, looking for a place to park. He has been going round for 20 minutes, and is getting desperate. As he goes around again, he calls out for divine help:
    “Oh Lord! I will do anything if you will only find me a place to park!
    I will go to church, give money to the priest, anything…
    Please Lord, please stop torturing me like this”
    (obviously, since both Kostas and The Lord speak greek, this is just an approximate translation, but you get the idea)

    Then, as Kosta turns the corner, there is a parking space. Not just any space, but a large, safe and legal one. Kosta can’t quite believe it, but looks up to heaven and says…
    “It’s alright, I’ve found one”

  • #180627

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    THese have probably been done to death but it’s so boring in here, even the adverts are fun…

    HOW TO GET A DIVORCE

    I decided to buy my wife a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
    The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ______________________________

    My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
    ‘No,’ she answered.
    I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
    “Nah, she can order for herself.”
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, “Do you know him?”
    “Yes”, she sighed,
    “He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
    “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, drinking beer. There was always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, “What’s on TV?”
    I said, “Dust.”
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
    My loving wife of 25 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.”
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
    She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
    I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
    And that’s how the divorce started…..

  • #180626

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    And…..for the totally bored.

    New High School Exit Exam, you only need 4 correct to pass

    (Passing requires 4 correct answers)

    1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

    2) Which country makes “Panama” hats?

    3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

    5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

    7) What was King George VI’s first name?

    8) What colour is a purple finch?

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

    10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

    Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

    Check your answers below ….

    ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
    2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
    3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
    5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
    7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
    8) What colour is a purple finch ? Crimson

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

    10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

    What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

    (And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

  • #180628

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    @kiwi wrote:

    (And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

    Still, I had 3, 4, 6 and 10 right but failed miserably on the others! 😳 😳

  • #180629

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Haven’t posted anything sensible recently, and this is no exception ic_wink

    Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight and they got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. “I’m Polo,the one with the hole” she replied in a Wispa. “I’m Marathon” he replied, “the one with the nuts”. He touched her Cream Eggs the slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his TicTacs.
    It was a Fab moment as she screamed with Turkish Delight. But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

    Turns out Miss Rowntree had been out with Bertie Bassett, and he had Allsorts !

    8)

  • #180630

    Pappa Ouzo
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Wow Reiver

    Getting a bit close to the bone here. Heard it before though, makes you wonder how they have the spare time to compose reb_bravo reb_bravo

  • #180631

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yellow card to you Reiver, we can’t have you raising KPs blood pressure to a dangerous level by posting smutty stuff like that 😆

  • #180636

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @nimbus wrote:

    Yellow card to you Reiver, we can’t have you raising KPs blood pressure to a dangerous level by posting smutty stuff like that 😆

    Quite right too nimbus! Thank you for your invaluable support! :roll:

    Reiver only did that because a local old people’s home was touting for donations on another Greek forum we both contribute to and I offered to donate him! :mrgreen:

  • #180632

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    KP, I hope he washed the support before you wore it :unibrow:

    You know all about these things from your boat friends on the other side (and forum) :p

    8)

  • #180633

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @the reiver wrote:

    KP, I hope he washed the support before you wore it :unibrow: ………………. 8)

    what fun would there be in that? 😈

  • #180635

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Post subject: Re: Ass has spoken……
    Post Posted: 17 Nov 2008 08:53
    KP wrote:
    But I do most sincerely thank you for your support in whatever you were supporting me on! It is much appreciated! :mrgreen:

    No problem at all KP, after all thats why I set up my company surgicalsupport.com ………….. to support :nod:

    Ahhh nostalgia :nod:

  • #180634

    Assimilate
    Participant
    Homeric

    @nimbus wrote:

    Ahhh nostalgia :nod:

    It’s not what it used to be.

  • #180637

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    From The London Tmes..A well planned retirement.

    Outside England ‘s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses.For 25 years,it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.The fees were for cars (1.40),for buses (about 7).

    Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
    The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility.
    The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.
    The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

    Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy … is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about 560 per day — for 25 years.

    Assuming 7 days a week,this amounts to just over 7 million pounds … and no one even knows his name.

  • #180639

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    A dog lover whose bitch was in season agreed to look after a friend’s dog whilst they were on holiday. She had a large house and believed she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage. ic_shock

    Although it was late she rang the vet, who answered in a grumpy voice. She explained the situation and the vet said “Hang up the phone and place it beside the dogs and I will ring back. The ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw”. ic_wink

    “Do you think it will work ?” she asked.

    He replied “It just did for me !” :nod:

    Oh well, another red card I fancy :finger:

    8)

  • #180640

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    For the truly truly bored, a lot of useless stuff to read about nothing in particular…

    The average woman consumes six pounds of lipstick in her life.

    The Bearded Goby of coastal Africa thrives in toxic mud, can live for hours without oxygen and eats jellyfish by the mouthful.

    The hippopotamus is, next to the elephants, the heaviest of all land mammals. It may weigh as much as 8,000 pounds. It is also a close relative of the pig.

    The jewel-studded St. Edward’s Crown, worn only at coronations, weighs about seven pounds.

    Scallops are considered the safest shellfish to eat raw. Most of the danger in eating raw shellfish stems from the fact that shellfish filter large amounts of sea water to obtain nutrients. Toxins, bacteria, and viruses tend to accumulate in this filtration apparatus. The filtration apparatus in scallops is, however, discarded; only the scallop’s abductor muscle, where few toxins accumulate, is eaten.

    The G.I. Joe toy line got its name from the 1945 movie The Story of G.I. Joe, which retold the story of war correspondent Ernie Pyle’s days on the front lines. It starred Burgess Meredith and Robert Mitchum.

    Thomas Edisons first major invention was the quadruplex telegraph. Unlike other telegraphs at the time, it could send four messages at the same time over one wire.

    In Muddy, Illinois, the post office measures only 7 by 10 feet, about the size of a garden shed. If it wasn’t for a sign hanging above the door stating, “U.S. Post Office, Muddy, IL. 62965,” finding the tiny, wooden building could be difficult. It is believed to be one of the smallest post offices in the United States.

    There is great variation in the number of sounds used in the world’s languages. In any given language, the number of consonants range from 6 to 95, and the number of vowels range between 3 and 46. On average, a language uses 23 consonants and 9 vowels.

    Captain Kirk’s Enterprise crew numbered 430. His successor, Captain Picard, had 1,012 under his command.

    James J. Ritty, owner of a tavern in Dayton, Ohio, invented the cash register in 1879 to stop his patrons from pilfering house profits.

    According to a study for the University of Tennessee’s Noise Laboratory, 60 percent of American college students suffer from some high-frequency hearing loss. The main cause of this premature deafness is noise. Hearing loss has long been linked to exposure to noise. Sustained loud noises — from vehicles, jet aircraft, stereos, food processors – destroy the ears’ tiny hair cells.

    Lettuce and celery will keep longer if stored in the refrigerator in paper bags instead of cellophane ones. Do not remove the outside leaves of either until ready to use.

    The last 12-cylinder car produced in the United States was the 1948 Lincoln Continental.

    When the US detonated the first hydrogen bomb on Nov 1, 1952 it vaporized an entire island and created a crater on the ocean floor 1.2 miles wide.

    The pharaohs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten gold. Some fabrics had up to 500 gold threads per one inch of cloth.

    Greyhounds have the best eyesight of any breed of dog.

    Medical treatment, during the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, was aimed at ridding the sick of “vile humours” by vomiting, purging, and bleeding. The treatment was often the immediate cause of death. Some prescriptions called for “letting” more blood than is now known to exist in the whole body.

    Although the combination of chilli peppers and oregano for seasoning has been traced to the ancient Aztecs, the present blend is said to be the invention of early Texans. Chilli powder today is typically a blend of dried chillies, garlic powder, red peppers, oregano, and cumin.

    You will get fewer cavities if you eat a bag of candy in one sitting and then brush your teeth than if you slowly eat the candy a piece at a time all day.

    According to one poll, 60 percent of the men surveyed admitted that they spit in public.

    An insect exerts so much energy in one hour of flying that it may lose as much as a third of its total body weight.

    It takes billions of water droplets from clouds or fog to add up to just a single teaspoon of water.

    A base for the French space program is located on Devils Island, French Guyana, a former penal colony that once held nearly 80,000 prisoners.

    Tickets to attend an 1896 Olympic competition cost about 16 cents. One hundred years later, the average ticket price for a 1996 Olympic sports competition was $39.72.

    The honeybee kills more people each year world-wide than venomous snakes.

    California sea otters spend almost all of their time in the water. Alaska Sea otters often sleep, groom, and nurse on land.

    The United States of America has flown 27 official flags since 1977.

    A top fuel dragster can accelerate from 0 to 100 miles an hour in 0.8 of a second; from 0 to 330 miles an hour in 4.5 seconds using 10 gallons of nitro-methane.

    When Napoleon wore black silk handkerchiefs around his neck during a battle, he always won. At Waterloo, he wore a white cravat and lost the battle.

    The minimum age set in the U.S. Constitution for the President of the United States is 35.

  • #180641

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
    To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’
    About 90 students raise their hands.
    Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’
    About 40 students raise their hands
    That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.
    Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’
    About 15 students raise their hand.
    Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’
    Three students raise their hands.
    That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever screwed a ghost?’
    Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
    The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’
    The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
    When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’
    Ahmed replied, Oh, from way back there I thought you said Goats 😆

  • #180646

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    A Farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on
    Himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the
    Switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure
    Than his wife does. *

    *But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument
    From his tool. Anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful
    Information. *

    *He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the
    Farmer decides to call the customer hotline. *

    *”Hello, I just bought a Cow Milking Machine from your company, it works
    Fantastic, but how do you remove it from the cow’s udder?” *

    *”Don’t worry sir”, replies the Customer Service Person, ”the machine will
    Release automatically once it has collected two litres!” * 😆
    __________________

  • #180647

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) :)) :)) haven’t laughed out loud in a long time…GOod one!

  • #180648

    Shazzie
    Participant
    Oracle

    😆 😆 😆 reb_bravo
    Love that one !!!!!!

  • #180644

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury’s buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had – an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
    I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
    The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
    I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit us both.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
    I’m now banned from Sainsbury’s. 😆

  • #180642

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    so you’ve got a Sainsbury’s on Levkas now? :roll:

  • #180645

    elainetucker
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @KP wrote:

    so you’ve got a Sainsbury’s on Levkas now? :roll:

    I wish……!!! :(

  • #180643

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    @elainetucker wrote:

    @KP wrote:
    so you’ve got a Sainsbury’s on Levkas now? :roll:

    I wish……!!! :(

    Gosh Elaine not missing the UK already are you ? Who needs Sainsbury’s when we have “Inmarket“.. “Proton“..and Dennis’s Co Op all on our doorstep. :roll:

    But sort of seriously, have you visited the new Carrefour in Lefkada town? worth a look, I commend it to you :nod:

  • #180649

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    God suggested Jesus should try the modern drugs that have decimated society in order to understand the effects.

    So he asked his disciples to fetch him some samples.

    Matthew brought cocaine, Mark brought cannabis, Paul brought crack and Judas……………..well he just brought the friggin drug squad

    Oh well please yourselves, it made me smile, but then it doesn’t take a lot to do that
    😉

  • #180653

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Smiled too nimbus…no one seems to send me any written jokes much anymore, they keep bombarding me with links to youtube and pictures of foregn places out of NAt Geo.

    Sign of the times…

  • #180654

    sundodger
    Participant
    Homeric

    An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying

    carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board.
    Sensing danger he shot them down.
    Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.
    *
    I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The
    driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
    myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
    *
    On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.
    I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.
    *
    David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to
    claim benefits.
    From next week all the forms will be printed in English.

  • #180651

    The Grocer
    Participant
    Oracle

    Puns for Educated Minds

    (But all groaners!!)

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

    19. When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

    21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron’. The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive’.

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

  • #180652

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    @The Grocer wrote:

    But all groaners!!

    That must definitely be the understatement of the year! :roll: :roll:

    (And it’s not even March yet!) :

  • #180650

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    but raised a smile ic_smile

  • #180655

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    A farmer had a run of chickens and a rooster.

    The rooster ‘served’ all chickens faithfully over the years but was growing a bit old.
    The farmer figured it was time to replace the rooster and get a younger one.

    Once a young one was brought in the old faithful rooster took the young one aside and had an earnest ‘cock to cock’ with him.
    He told him; ‘listen, I accept that you’re here to take over the run but could you, please, be kind enough to leave me two or three chicks to lighten the time I still have left?’

    The cocky young newcomer told the old rooster to forget it, he was going to take over the entire run, no exeptions.

    ‘So’, said the old boy, ‘what if I race you? If I win you’ll let me have three, if you win I will withdraw and not bother you any further.’

    The young cock, sure of himself, accepted.

    ‘But’, said the old rooster, ‘I’m an old rooster while you’re young and strong, could you not let me have a three metre headstart?’

    The young one grants the old rooster a three metre headstart and the race begins.

    The old guy races off and after three metres the young one starts running after him.
    When the young one is about to overtake the old rooster suddenly a gunshot sounds in the yard and the young rooster drops dead on the ground.

    The farmer, carrying his gun under his arm, mumbles, while he picks up the dead rooster; ‘this is getting ridiculous, this is already the third gay rooster I’ve brought in!’

  • #180656

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    😆 😆 😆

  • #180657

    The Grocer
    Participant
    Oracle

    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at EU HQ in Brussels ; one from London , another from Germany and the third, from Greece

    They go with a government official to examine the wall.

    The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

    ‘Well’, he says, ‘I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.’

    The German contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, ‘I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.’

    The Greek contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, “£2,700.”

    The official, incredulous, says, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’

    The Greek contractor whispers back, ‘£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Germany to fix the wall.’

    ‘Done!’ replies the government official.

    And that friends, …… Is how it all works.

  • #180658

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Absolutely! 😆

  • #180659

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Its 2012 Olympics in London.
    Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman want to get in but don’t have tickets.
    The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate, “Mcleish, Scotland, discus” he says, and walks in.
    The Welshman puts a scaffolding pole over his shoulder, “Jones, Wales, pole vault” he says, and walks in.
    The Irishman picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm, “O’Leary, Ireland, fencing”

    And how about resurrecting this old fella …

    Two athletes are talking at the Olympics one says to the other are you a pole vaulter to which he received the reply “ nein I am Russian but how did you know my name is Volta?”

    Come to think about it that wasn’t funny back in 1972 :

  • #180660

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Running out of the real funny ones so am on to 3rd rate ones…

    SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

    Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

    The little silver haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

    Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

    He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh …………

    “Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
    ( The Kellogs cornflake box with the red rooster on it that I couldn’t upload the picture of)

  • #180661

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    Knew that one as a ‘blonde’ joke. :p

    I love it though when someone goes on explaining the point of a joke! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

  • #180662

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Give a blonde a break Ian…I was too dumb to upload the picture of the cornflake box which was relevant to the ever increasingly stupid joke i posted. :p

  • #180663

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Will this one do?
    headcockerel.jpg[/attachment:o7t5lh79]

    Tis a French one – Gallus means cockerel or rooster in french as well as Gaul….

  • #180664

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    Leave it to the French to choose a cock for their national symbol! 😆 😆

  • #180665

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Can’t remember if this was posted…apologies in advance if it has.

    The spoon:

    A lesson on how consultants can make a
    difference in an organization.

    Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    It seemed a little strange.
    When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
    I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’

    ‘Well, ‘he explained,’the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
    After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
    It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

    If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging
    out of the waiter’s fly.

    Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
    ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
    that string right there?’

    “Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice.
    ‘Not everyone is so observant.
    That consulting firm I mentioned also learned
    that we can save time in the restroom.

    By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what,
    we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
    the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

    I asked quietly,
    ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’

    ‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others,
    but I use the spoon.’

  • #180666

    DayGloScooter
    Participant
    Neophyte

    ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

  • #180667

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    reb_bravo wow and duh dayglo. How clever though.

  • #180668

    The Grocer
    Participant
    Oracle

    LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
    Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
    Old Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
    Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.
    The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
    The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I’m so sorry, but he’s dead.”
    Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

  • #180669

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    And for the engineers…

    Understanding Engineers
    Understanding Engineers: they are not the best communicators, hope this helps!

    Understanding Engineers One

    Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
    said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
    The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my

    own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,

    took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes
    probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

    Understanding Engineers Two

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

    To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Understanding Engineers Three

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
    particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those
    guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
    The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
    The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
    He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re
    rather slow, aren’t they?”
    The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They
    lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let

    them play for free anytime.”
    The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think
    I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
    The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist
    colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
    The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

    Understanding Engineers Four

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
    Mechanical engineers build weapons
    Civil engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers Five

    The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
    The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

    Understanding Engineers Six

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
    designed the human body.
    One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
    Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
    many thousands of electrical connections. “
    The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
    else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

    Understanding Engineers Seven

    Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
    Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

    Understanding Engineers Eight

    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
    said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over,
    picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
    The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
    I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the
    engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful
    princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
    Why won’t you kiss me?”
    The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend,

    but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

    Hope you can understand better now!

  • #180670

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

    They continued to watch until it reached the last number•œ and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..’Go get your Mother’

  • #180671

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    A foreman at the logging camp had to hire on some new lumber jacks and he was told only to hire the best men.
    So after a lot of failed interviews, up comes a new man and he brags ” I can tell a piece of wood just by the smell of it”…..So the foreman thinks this maybe the man we want and sets about testing him.
    He orders the man to be blindfolded, and puts a piece of wood under his nose and says ok whats that, Pine, says ya man, ok says the foreman try again whats that? thats a piece of oak says ya man, so the foreman thinks this is to good to be true and tries another peice, whats this? oh thats a piece of Ash says ya man…..the foreman now cant believe the man is this good, and says to one of the lads, Nip down to the Brothel and fetch me a pair of Marthas Mingy Knickers…..so the foreman then waves them in front of ya mans nose…………..OOOhhhh says ya man thats a tricky one!! give me another sniff…so the foreman obliges……..Ah says ya man, Ive got it , ya tried to trick me, but I know what it is, Ok says the foreman what wood is that then???
    I know ya tried to trick me says ya man……. But its a shit house door made out of kipper boxes!!!
    Ya man got the job!!!

  • #180672

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    ………. and was he right bandit? :roll: No, sorry, but I don’t get it, and I think I’m grateful for that! :mrgreen:
    But to get things back on an even keel after that very unfunny excuse for a joke, it reminded me of another lumberjack joke! 😀

    3 Irish mates go to the manager of the lumberjack camp to be interviewed for a job. The manager asks them what lumberjacking experience they have? They answer “none at all”. The manager says, “so how come you’re here looking for a job then”? The 3 Irish guys say, “the advert said you needed tree fellers, so here we are”! 😆 😆 😆
    What’s wrong with you lot? I thought it was funny! 😆 😆 😆

  • #180673

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Okay, I’m on a roll now……. So another Irish lumberjack joke!

    An Irish guy goes for a job as a lumberjack in Alaska and the foreman says to all the applicants, “the selection process is simple, each of you will be dropped off with a chainsaw at a site with a dozen trees marked with a big red cross which we want you to cut down. After 2 hours, we’ll come back to pick you up and count how many of the marked trees you’ve managed to cut down and log”.
    So, off goes Paddy with a chainsaw and is dropped off in a remote place all alone with 12 big marked trees and told that somebody will be back to check on him in 2 hours time.
    2 hours later the truck comes back to pick up Paddy and finds him lying exhausted by a tree with a small cut in it and the chainsaw alongside, but not one tree has been felled! Paddy is asked what the problem is and answers that it’s an impossible job and can’t be done! The foreman says, ‘rubbish’, he can fell a tree in a couple of minutes! Paddy says, “sure, I’d like to see you do that, it’s impossible I tell you”! So the foreman picks up the chain saw, grabs the pull cord and the chainsaw roars to life, at which Paddy jumps up startled shouting, “begorrah, what’s that noise?”
    :mrgreen: :mrgreen: 😆 😆

    Now, if you all ask nicely, I might be persuaded to share a few more jewels just as funny :mrgreen: !

  • #180674

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    He, he, he, being nice, waitng for more.

  • #180675

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Hi Ya KP..
    No mate, you would be struggling wit that joke :roll: Ya need to come down to my level…..But I am sure after a few nights out, we can certainly get the standard lowered for ya..(bit of a pun there) 😆 😆
    but ya wont get that either 😳 😳
    Regards,
    Bandit. 😈

  • #180676

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Greek Border Authorities are asking citizens to keep a look out for a Red 1951 Chevvy which they believe is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants into Greece, If you see the Vehicle and have reason to believe its the suspect vehicle you are uged to contact the Police immediately

  • #180677

    Lucky
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Why Bandit do you insist on bringing this board down to gutter level. Your post of the 25th was crude and offensive, like many of your posts. Perhaps you feel you have to live up to some sort of distorted reputation. If so very sad.
    It is quite possible that sometimes this board is read by younger people who feel they have an affinity with the country having enjoyed a holiday or something similar. Can I suggest you consider how a relative of yours might feel reading rubbish like that.
    There again I’m only a dog so what do I know about human behaviour.

  • #180678

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Hello Lucky
    Well I wasnt going to respond, but as very few people on here read my posts anyway, I thought i had better respond to probably my only reader :roll: :roll:
    quote:Your post of the 25th was crude and offensive, well I didnt undersand it myself, but in the interests of peace and harmony, I may withdraw it if I have offended any lumberjacks out there :roll:
    Quote: you feel you have to live up to some sort of distorted reputation. If so very sad.
    Totally agree Lucky, I never had a reputation until now :angry:
    Quote:I suggest you consider how a relative of yours might feel reading rubbish like that.
    It was one of my relatives that told me it.
    Quote: I’m only a dog so what do I know about human behaviour.
    Well dont do yourself down Lucky, Most dogs are very intelligent 😆
    Hope that clears it up for you.
    And you can enjoy reading my future posts I hope

    Regards,
    Bandit. 😈

  • #180679

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Ok
    maybe this is more to your liking :roll:

    There’s a debate in the middle east about whether or not the flintstones should be shown on tv. The people of Dubai don’t understand the humour, but the people in Abu Dhabi…. Doo! 😆 😆 :roll: :roll: :roll:

    Regards,
    Bandit. 😈

  • #180680

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    Maybe anyone can clarify this for me…

    I’ve been wondering for a while now; Does a politician who’s involved with an arms dealer have a conflict of interest or an interest in conflict? 😕 😕

  • #180681

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Took me a while, (am a bit slow) but finally figured out the yabba dabba doo joke bandit.

    I don’t know about interest in conflicts etc Ian, but it seems a conflict has been reasonably averted in here today.

    Lucky… welcome back to the fold. Good to see some GOM back. it was getting a bit quiet. You are invited to the GIH group hug now. 😀

  • #180682

    Lucky
    Participant
    Neophyte

    I will indeed, thank you.

  • #180684

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Hope blonde jokes are still PC…

    A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
    Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
    Decided to have some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the
    Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
    Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
    Harder, & still nothing happened.

    Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first
    Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
    Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes & said, ‘Uh, like hello!
    You need to roll up the windows first.

  • #180687

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @kiwi wrote:

    Hope blonde jokes are still PC……….

    since when do we care what’s still PC? :roll:

  • #180688

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Oooooohh!!
    If we are not gonna be PC (whatever that is) does that mean I can post some more jokes….or have I got to stick to the christmas Cracker ones?
    Regards,
    Bandit. 👿

  • #180689

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @Bandit wrote:

    Oooooohh!!
    If we are not gonna be PC (whatever that is) does that mean I can post some more jokes….or have I got to stick to the christmas Cracker ones?
    Regards,
    Bandit. 👿

    There’s ‘PC jokes’, ‘non-PC jokes’, then there are ‘bandit jokes’….. I’d stick to Christmas cracker jokes if I was you bandit! :mrgreen:

  • #180685

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Bandit to answer your query, PC stands for Politically Correct, It means you don’t say, he is a retard, you say he is mentally challenged instead. You use hearing impaired, instead of deaf…etc etc. There are no more fireMEN, there are firefighters and so it goes on.

  • #180686

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Bottle of Wine

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
    After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

    The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.’

    Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’

    The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

    The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

    The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

    The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil #@)^%. Don’t mess with them.

  • #180683

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @kiwi wrote:

    Bandit to answer your query, PC stands for Politically Correct, It means you don’t say, he is a retard, you say he is mentally challenged instead. You use hearing impaired, instead of deaf…etc etc. There are no more fireMEN, there are firefighters and so it goes on.

    Thanks for that Kiwi, I dont understand all this new way of talking, what ya can say and what ya carnt say :roll:
    So if I understand it right, I cant say he is a Retard he is mentally challenged.
    But is it ok to say She is a retard??
    And I cant say PoliceMan I have to say Police Constable and so is that a PC…..PC?? 😆 😆

    Regards,
    Bandit. 😈

  • #180690

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    headmen.gif[/attachment:3u86up05]

  • #180691

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
    good one Nimbus…Good job he wasnt shaving eh.. :roll: :roll:

    Oh…and thats got more moving parts than my Avatar….tut,,tut…
    Regards,
    Bandit. 😈

  • #180692

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Murphy hoisted his beer and said “here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife”

    That won him the top prize at the pub as the best toast of the night.

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, that he had won the prize for the best toast.

    She said “did ye now, and what was the toast ?”

    He said “here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife”

    Mary said ” oh that’s very nice”

    Next day, Mary runs into one of Murphy’s drinking buddies. He grins leeringly and says “Murphy won the prize last night with a toat about you, Mary”

    She replied “aye, he told me, but I’m a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years, once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”

    8)

  • #180693

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    One day Pete the Postie is riding through the neighbourhood delivering the mail and as he approaches one house he notices that both cars are still on the drive.

    His wonder was cut short by Fred, the householder, coming out with a load of beer and liquor bottles.

    “Strewth Fred”, the Postie says, “looks like you blokes had a hell of a party last night”.

    Fred replies, “actually it was Saturday and this is the first I’ve been able to get up and move about since 4am Sunday.
    We had about 15 couples over and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk that we started playing WHO AM I ? “

    Pete thinks for a moment and then asks “how do you play it?’

    “It’s easy” said Fred, “all the blokes go into the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our family jewels showing through a hole in the sheet, and the women have to guess who it is”

    Postie laughs and says “sounds like fun, sorry I missed it”

    “Probably a good thing you did Pete” said Fred, ‘cos your name came up 7 bloody times !!!!”

    8)

  • #180694

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    A small boy says to his father “Dad, what’s the difference between
    ‘theoretically’ and ‘realistically’?”
    His dad thinks and then says “Right-o son, go and ask your mother if
    she’d sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid

    The boy toddles off and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she
    would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”

    “OK son,” says his dad. “Now go and ask your sister the same
    question.”

    The boy toddles off, and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she
    would too!”

    So then his dad says “Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he’d
    sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”

    The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”

    “Well there you have it, son,” said his dad.
    Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
    Realistically we’re living with two tarts and a poof.”

  • #180695

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Must give credit for this to Ken Smith of the (Glasgow) Diary reporting this annecdote:

    By an economist; An Irishman, a Portuguese, a German and a Greek go into pub.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .The German ends up buying the drinks 😯

  • #180696

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    A Glesga Wedding …. for Kolo ic_wink

    Two Glaswegians, Archie & Jimmy are in the pub discussing Jimmy’s upcoming wedding.

    “Och, it’s gonna be pure brilliant” says Jimmy, “A’ve got everything organised awready, the flooers, the kirk, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, and even ma stag night”.

    Archie nods approvingly.

    “And, a’ve even bought a kilt to be married in ” says Jimmy.

    “A kilt”, exclaims Archie, ” that’ll be pure brill. What’s the tartan?”

    “Ach” says Jimmy, ” A’d imagine she’ll be in white”

    8)

  • #180697

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Tee hee! 😀 In white? Not for a Glesca lassie, surely?

    😳 Got one to go to this year…….best keep ma heid!

  • #180698

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Proof That The World Is Nuts

    In Lebanon men are legally allowed to have

    sex with animals, but the animals must be female.

    Having sexual relations with a male animal

    is punishable by death.

    (Like THAT makes sense.)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    In Bahrain a male doctor may legally examine

    a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking

    directly at them during the examination. He may

    only see their reflection in a mirror.

    (Do they look different reversed?)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals

    of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.

    The sex organs of the deceased must be covered

    with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

    (A brick?)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia

    is decapitation.

    (Much worse than ‘going blind!’)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job

    is to travel the countryside and deflower young

    virgins who pay them for the privilege of having

    sex for the first time.

    Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly

    forbidden for virgins to marry.

    (Let’s just think for a minute; is there

    any job anywhere else in the world that even

    comes close to this?)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    In Hong Kong a betrayed wife is legally

    allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but

    may only do so with her bare hands.

    The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand,

    may be killed in any manner desired.

    (Ah! Justice!)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,

    England but only in tropical fish stores.

    (But of course!)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    In Cali, Colombia a woman may only have

    sex with her husband and the first time this happens,

    her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

    (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man

    to have sex with a woman and her daughter

    at the same time.

    (I presume this was a big enough problem that

    they had to pass this law?)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    In Maryland it is illegal to sell condoms

    from vending machines with one exception:

    Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending

    machine only in places where alcoholic beverages

    are sold for consumption on the premises.

    (Is this a great country or what?

    (Well …. not as great as Guam!)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150

    calories an hour.

    (Who volunteers for these tests?)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can

    pull 30 times its own weight and always falls

    over on its right side when intoxicated.

    (From drinking little bottles of ???)

    (Did our Government pay for this research??)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    (Ah, geez.)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

    (I know some people like that.)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Starfish don’t have brains.

    (I know some people like that, too.)

    *~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    And, the best for last?

    Turtles can breathe through their butts.

    (And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

  • #180699

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    @kiwi wrote:

    Turtles can breathe through their butts.

    This one was great Kiwi ! but it seems to me that there are one or two on this forum that talk out of theirs :nod:

  • #180700

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    You wouldn’t be thinking of me, by any chance, surely ? 😆

  • #180701

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    😀 If the cap fits !……..and don’t call me Shirley :

  • #180702

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    I’m hattered now!

  • #180703

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

    She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

    She immediately moved to another seat.

    This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

    The man seemed more amused.

    When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

    She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

    The case came up in court.

    The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

    What he had to say for himself.

    The man replied,

    ‘Well your Honour, it was like this:

    When the lady got on the bus,

    I couldn’t help but notice her condition.

    She sat down under a sign that said,

    ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.

    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

    ‘ Logan ‘s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.

    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

    ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.

    But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time

    And sat under a sign that said,

    ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’

    … I just lost it.’

    ‘CASE DISMISSED!!’

  • #180704

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual
    check-up…

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
    86-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.” I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

    ‘So what do you think about that Doc ?’

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. ‘I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
    and never misses a season.’

    One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

    ‘As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went ‘bang, bang’..’

    ‘Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

    Now, what do you think of that ?’ asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said, Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’

    The doctor replied, ‘My point exactly.’

  • #180705

    brenda
    Participant
    Hoplite

    :) Good one, Kiwi.

  • #180706

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    If I typed it, it wouldnt work so you will have to check this one out yourselves..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlpRYr5pDAA&feature=related

    Bandit`s Back!! 😈

  • #180707

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @Bandit wrote:

    …………… Bandit`s Back!! 😈

    You been somewhere? :roll:

  • #180710

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    As an ex cat owner, I just loved this one.

    From a Dog’s Diary

    (imagine photo of perky happy dog)

    8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
    1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    From a Cat’s Diary

    (Pity i can’t upload the photo of the narrow eyed pompous cat in the joke, just try to imagine it…)

    Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now… Will keep you posted.

  • #180708

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    What begins with f and ends in k ? ic_shock

    A first grade teacher, Ms Brooks, is having trouble with one of her students. She asks “Harry, what’s the problem ?”

    Harry answers, ” I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister in in the third grade and I’m smarter than her, so I think I should be third grade too”

    Ms Brooks had enough and took Harry to see the Principal.

    Whilst Harry waited outside, Ms Brooks explained the situation. The Principal agreed to give Harry a test and if he passed all the questions he could move up to the third grade.

    Harry came in and the Principal explained the “rules”, and Harry agreed to them.

    Principal :- “what’s 3×3?”

    Harry :- “9”

    Principal :- “what’s 6×6?’

    Harry :- “36”

    The Principal goes through all the things a third grader should know, and Harry gets them all right. He looks to Ms Brooks and says “I think Harry can go to the third grade”

    “Hang on”, says Ms Brooks, “let me ask him a few questions”

    Harry and the Principal agree.

    Ms Brooks :- “What does a cow have four of and I only have two?”

    Harry, after a moment :- “Legs”

    Ms Brooks :- “What’s in your pants that you have and I don’t in mine ?”

    The Principal by now is getting worried.

    Harry :- “Pockets”

    Ms Brooks :- ” What does a dog do that a man steps into ?”

    Harry :- “Pants”

    By now the Principal’s mouth is hanging open.

    Ms Brooks :- ” What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky ?”

    Before the Principal could stop the answer, Harry replied ” bubble gum”

    Ms Brooks :- “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs ?”

    Harry :- ” Shake hands”

    The Principal was trembling.

    Ms Brooks said ” Last question, what word begins with ‘f’ and ends in ‘k’ that means a lot of heat and excitement ?”

    Harry :- “Firetruck”

    The Principal told Ms Brooks ” Put Harry in the seventh grade, I got the last six questions wrong ……. !”

    8)

  • #180709

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Aren’t we all busy today…

    A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India…

    Dear Sunita Darling,

    I can’t send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company’s performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

    Your loving husband,
    Tuna Singh

    His wife replied…

    TINKU KE PAPPA ,

    Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses…:

    1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.

    2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

    3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

    4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..

    5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

    Please don’t worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance…
    Shall I plan the same for the next month?

    Your Sweet Heart,
    Kichi

    NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN

  • #180711

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    For the absentminded GOM among us…

    $5.37! That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

    I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68″ he said cheerfully.

    I stood there stupefied. I am 58 , not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

    I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

    I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

    Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

    “Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

    “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”

    I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

    That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

    Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

    Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

    Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

    I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

    All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

    Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

    I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

    She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

    All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

    As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

    The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

  • #180712

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Miss Beatrice,

    The church organist,
    Was in her eighties
    And had never been married.
    She was admired for her
    sweetness and kindness.
    One afternoon, the pastor
    Came to call on her and she
    showed him into her quaint
    sitting room.
    She invited him to have a
    seat while she prepared tea.

    As he sat facing her old
    Hammond organ, the young
    minister noticed a cute glass
    bowl sitting on top of it.
    The bowl was filled with water,
    and in the water floated, of all
    things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and
    scones, they began to chat.

    The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
    about the bowl of water and its
    strange floater, but soon it got
    the better of him and he could
    no longer resist.

    ‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder
    if you would tell me about this?’
    pointing to the bowl.

    ‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it
    wonderful? I was walking through
    the park a few months ago
    and I found this little package on
    the ground. The directions said
    to place it on the organ, keep
    it wet, and that it would prevent
    the spread of disease. Do you
    know I haven’t had the
    flu all winter’

  • #180713

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Ryan Giggs is telling Wayne Rooney about his first sexual conquest.

    “Yeh there I was giving it everything, and then her mother appeared from nowhere”

    “Wow, wha’d she say ?” asked Rooney

    “Baa, Baa :unibrow:

    8)

  • #180714

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Supposedly a real reply from the Inland Revenue that the Guardian newspaper had to ask for
    special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the
    content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply.

    Dear Mr Addison,

    I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to
    our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
    I will address them, as ever, in order.

    Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a “begging
    letter”. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax demand”.
    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,
    traditionally referred to such documents.

    Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the “endless stream of crapulent
    whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the
    doormat” has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the
    other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being
    from “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant
    gas-mongerers” might indicate that your decision to “file them next to the
    toilet in case of emergencies” is at best a little ill-advised. In
    common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these
    letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a “sodding
    charity”. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a
    responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

    Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth
    in your assertion that the taxes you pay “go to shore up the
    canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services”, a moment’s
    rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
    government in any way expects you to “stump up for the whole damned party”
    yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor’s disbursement of
    the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little
    off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on “junkets for
    Bunterish lickspittles” and “dancing whores” whilst far more than you have
    accounted for is allocated to, for example, “that box-ticking facade of a
    university system.”

    A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
    1. The reason we don’t simply write “Muggins” on the envelope has to do with
    the vagaries of the postal system;

    2. You can rest assured that “sucking the very marrow of those with nothing
    else to give” has never been considered as a practice because even if the
    Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics
    involved would make it financially unviable.

    I trust this has helped. In the meantime,whilst I would not in any way wish
    to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that
    even if you did choose to “give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live
    in India” you would still owe us the money.

    Please send it to us by Friday.

    Yours sincerely,

  • #180715

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    F*cking brilliant! reb_bravo reb_bravo

    😆 😆

  • #180716

    geckophile397
    Participant
    Neophyte

    😆 😆 😆 KP, I laughed so much I nearly peed! 😆

    Joyx

  • #180717

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    @geckophile397 wrote:

    😆 😆 😆 KP, I laughed so much I nearly peed! 😆

    Joyx

    Thank you for sharing such an intimate detail with us gecko and I do understand that you feel compelled to share such detail with me, but I must admit to feeling quite guilty at taking Kolosfart’s glory over this! :mrgreen: Unless you feel compelled to treat me to an ouzo in gratitude of somebody elses posting next time we meet ? In which case, thank you, it was nothing, I’m pleased have brought you so much joy Joy. :mrgreen:

  • #180718

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    KP, I laughed so much I nearly peed

    You misunderstand, KP. That was not a compliment to you but a plea for more of your patent straw incontinence pads 😆

  • #180719

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

  • #180720

    geckophile397
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Thank you for sharing such an intimate detail with us gecko and I do understand that you feel compelled to share such detail with me, but I must admit to feeling quite guilty at taking Kolosfart’s glory over this! Unless you feel compelled to treat me to an ouzo in gratitude of somebody elses posting next time we meet ? In which case, thank you, it was nothing, I’m pleased have brought you so much joy Joy.

    You’re very welcome KP and Kolofart. And thanks for your sympathy but in fact I have no need for straw incontinence pads. I manage fine with my rubber knickers. :unibrow:

    AND KP, when we arrive for good (about September-ish) I SHALL buy you a large ouzo – or better still, invite you and Mrs KP to the house-warming party. So there. Bet you didn’t expect THAT! 😆 😆

  • #180721

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    The mention of incontinence pads, rubber knickers and house-warming combined in one single post calls up visions I could certainly do without! 😯 😯 :

    :mrgreen:

  • #180722

    geckophile397
    Participant
    Neophyte

    😆 😆 😆

    I once did have a party where a friend sat on a “director’s chair” type chair, the fabric split, she fell through and got completely stuck, doubled up with her legs in the air, and she DID pee herself! :unibrow: :nod: 😆 😆

  • #180723

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    the straw pads are far too itchy, the rubber ones are far too sweaty, but the big ouzo at a housewarming sounds just right! Already looking forwards to it as long as you don’t have any directors chairs around! :mrgreen:

  • #180724

    Alien
    Participant
    Oracle

    @KP wrote:

    the straw pads are far too itchy, the rubber ones are far too sweaty, but the big ouzo at a housewarming sounds just right! Already looking forwards to it as long as you don’t have any directors chairs around! :mrgreen:

    A Scot doesn’t wear anything under his skirt, where do you leave the straw pads?

  • #180725

    KP
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    A Scot doesn’t wear anything under his skirt, where do you leave the straw pads?[/quote]
    Och, I dinna need any sort o pads ye ken? Ha’im a ruffy tuffty honoury Scot, being married to Lowlander and with a son-in-law who’s a Highlander, how much more do I need to deserve the honoury title? Especially being overwhelmed by one Highland and one Lowland born grandson now! All I’ve got to do is spend all the time they are with us ensuring that they grow up speaking The Queen’s English! :mrgreen:

  • #180726

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Just gie ’em a soor plum to suck, KP and ey’one ‘ll ken they’s high class bairns! reb_bravo

  • #180727

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Reading the Herald this morning – it has a sort of diary with amusing anecdotes – and has had a series about language and confusion etc. Just reminded me a bit about the double words used frequently in Greek such as ‘Νε,Νε’

    ‘ A Russian linguistics professor lecturing his English students said that “in English a double negative makes a positive but in Russian the double negative remains negative. However there is no language where a double positive becomes a negative”

    “Yeah, right!” was uttered from the back ‘

  • #180728

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Can you imagine working for a company that has only just over 635 employees, but has the following employee statistics :-

    29 have been accused of spouse abuse

    7 have been arrested for fraud

    9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

    17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

    3 have done time for assault

    71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

    14 have been arrested on drug related charges

    8 have been arrested for shoplifting

    21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

    84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

    AND

    collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British taxpayer £92,993,748 in expenses ! ic_shock

    Which organisation is this ?

    It’s called “The House of Commons” :nod:

    The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year, designed to keep the rest of us in line.

    What a bunch to be running the country !!

    AND, on top of all this they have probably the best corporate pension scheme in the country.

    8)

    ps I wonder how they compare with their Greek counterparts ? :unibrow:

  • #180729

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    After being married for thirty years….a wife asked her husband to describe her.
    He looked at her slowly…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…. I, J, K.”
    She asks….. “What does that mean?”
    He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
    She smiled happily and said….”Oh, that’s so lovely…..
    What about I, J, K?”
    He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

    His eye is still swollen….

  • #180730

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    @kiwi wrote:

    His eye is still swollen….

    And still he went and bought an ozone machine?

    :mrgreen:

  • #180731

    Alien
    Participant
    Oracle

    The ozon machine must have been for himself :p

    or for ‘bubba’ :nod:

    Kiwi: I liked the ‘alphabet’ 😆

  • #180732

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Excuse the accent!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for
    the very first time.

    The first lady said, ‘I don’t know bout y’all, but I’m gunna put me on sum
    hot pink panties beefo’ I gets on dat plane.’

    Why you gonna wear dem fo?’ the other two asked.
    The first replied, ‘Cause, if dat plane goes down and I’m out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.’

    The second lady said, ‘Well, then I’m a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange
    panties.’

    ‘Why you gonna wear dem?’ the others asked.

    The second lady answered, ‘Cause if dis hare plane is goin’ down and I be
    floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.’

    The third lady says, ‘Well, I’m not gonna wear any panties…

    What? No panties?’ the others asked in disbelief.

    The third lady says, ‘Dat’s right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain’t
    wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first’

  • #180733

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    How to tell when it’s time to stop driving

  • #180734

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @geckophile397 wrote:

    😆 😆 😆

    I once did have a party where a friend sat on a “director’s chair” type chair, the fabric split, she fell through and got completely stuck, doubled up with her legs in the air, and she DID pee herself! :unibrow: :nod: 😆 😆

    My grandad died when he fell through a deckchair . RIP !!!!

  • #180737

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

    In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate
    ………………………………………………………………………………………..

    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.html’ and try to download Tears.
    Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember – overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

    In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

    Good Luck,
    Tech Support

  • #180738

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Bit of a biased response there Dayglo… 😆

  • #180739

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Where to live when you retire!!!
    No NURSING HOME FOR me!!!

    No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

    With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
    I’ve already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
    For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s £59.23 per night.
    Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
    That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
    Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
    Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
    £5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
    They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
    There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
    The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
    To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
    For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
    While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
    It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
    And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
    Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.
    TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
    The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.
    If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
    And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-holiday.
    The grandkids can use the pool.
    What more could I ask for?
    So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

    AIDS WARNING!
    To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you……
    SENIOR CITIZENS
    ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

    HEARING AIDS

    BAND AIDS

    ROLL AIDS

    WALKING AIDS

    MEDICAL AIDS

    GOVERNMENT AIDS

    MOST OF ALL,

    MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

    Not forgetting HIV
    (Hair is Vanishing)

  • #180740

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car

    The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 80 kilometres per hour, sir.’

    The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

    The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Shit , woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

    The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $175 fine.’

    The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

    The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T You shut the hell up??’

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

    ‘Only when he’s pissed.’

  • #180741

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    The secret to a long life

    A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady above,
    sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
    “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?”
    “I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. “Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
    Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
    On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”

    “That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

    “Thirty-four,” she replied.

  • #180735

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    LOVE IT!~~! LOVE IT!~~!

    Ida and Peggy are outside their nursing home,

    having a drink and a smoke,

    when it starts to rain.

    Ida pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,

    puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Peggy: What in the hell is that?

    Ida: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

    Peggy: Where did you get it?

    Ida: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Peggy hobbles herself into the local drugstore

    and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed,

    looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age),

    but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

    ‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

    The pharmacist fainted.

  • #180736

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Subject: INTERESTING FACTS
    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
    (Hardly seems worth it)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that’s more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
    (O.M.G.!)

    A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
    (In my next life, I want to be a pig)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
    (I’m still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
    (Don’t try this at home,maybe at work)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
    (“Honey, I’m home. What the…?!”)

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
    (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    (Something I always wanted to know.)

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
    (Hmmmmmm……)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
    (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
    (okay, so that would be a good thing)

    A cats urine glows under a black light.
    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

    An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish have no brains
    (I know some people like that too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.
    (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (What about that pig??)

  • #180742

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Kylie and her bear necessities
    think this is one photo she wont forget
    (Schroll down)

  • #180743

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    So poppy ,
    Not only the fount of all knowledge but also great sense of humour ! Maybe you should become leader of expats that Kiwi called for 😆

  • #180744

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    RETIREMENT BONUS

    If this doesn’t make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

    The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer
    an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
    for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
    line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose
    what those two points would be.
    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
    of his head to the tip of his toes… He was measured at six feet and
    walked out with a bonus of £72,000…
    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
    measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
    Out with £96,000.
    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief
    Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
    ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.’
    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
    explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had
    received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
    him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
    The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop ’em,’ which he did.
    The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s
    penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed,
    ‘Where are your testicles?’

  • #180745

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    I just wanted to give my thanks for these recent posts, cheered me up no end! reb_bravo reb_bravo reb_bravo reb_bravo :)) :)) :)) But where the h*lls the button? ic_confused ic_confused ic_confused

  • #180746

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    C’mon Poppy, you missed off the punch-line 😕

    Kolo, it’s the thumbs up sign :nod:

    8)

  • #180747

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Just testing you all to see if you were paying attention !!!!!!!!!
    Gold star goes to Reiver 😉

    Punchline
    The Old Chief calmly replied, ‘ The Falkland Islands

  • #180748

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    THIS MAY BE A “Little” DIFFICULT FOR ALL WHO ARE OVER 60 ..THOSE YOUNGER THAN THIS WILL HAVE NO HOPE AT ALL.

    DEMENTIA QUIZ

    FIRST QUESTION:

    YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE
    THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,
    THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
    SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

    TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
    NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
    BUT DON’T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
    YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

    SECOND QUESTION:
    IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE….?
    (SCROLL DOWN)

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
    ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE…..
    WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

    YOU’RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

    THIRD QUESTION:
    VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
    THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
    DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
    TRY IT.

    TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
    ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
    NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

    SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER…..

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

    DID YOU GET 5000?

    THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100…

    IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
    TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

    MAYBE YOU’LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT…. MAYBE…

    FOURTH QUESTION:
    MARY’S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

    1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ???
    2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
    DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN’T.
    HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

    OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
    I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO
    REDEEM YOURSELF:

    A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
    BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
    SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
    NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
    PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
    IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
    HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT…
    DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
    IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

  • #180749

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Brrrrrrrrrr its cold

  • #180750

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Old lady goes into a corner shop and asks for a tin of cat food , the owner says that understanding how pensioners are struggling financially he wants to be sure she won’t be eating it herself so asks to see proof of the cat . She returns with the cat and leaves with the cat food . Later she is back and wants a tin of dog food the shopkeeper goes through the same rigmarole and now somewhat annoyed she returns with the dog and leaves with the dog food . On her next visit she places onto the counter a small cardboard box with a little round hole in one side and tells the shopkeeper to put his finger in , as his finger nears the hole he withdraws quickly in fear of being bitten . The old lady reassures him that nothing in the box will bite him so he tentatively has another atempt but still stops at the last minute for fear of being stung . The old lady reassures him that nothing in the box will sting him and impatiently tells him in strong tone to put his finger into the box which he duly does and is pleasantly surprised by feeling something soft and warm , after a few seconds when he realises there is no activity from within he removes his finger and is compelled to sniff it , with a look of disgust he declares that it smells of Ess Aitch Eye Tee ! The old lady says ” Yes it is * * * * so are you going to sell me some toilet paper or not ” ?

  • #180751

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    I thought the idea was that you figured out for yourself they were at some remote battle-field? :roll:

    Don’t tell me the give-away is originally included in the joke. 😯

    That so brings it down to schoolyard-joke-level… :( :( :(

    Sad… :

  • #180753

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Three rabbits escape from a research facility. After a little whle they arrive in a field full of carrots and proceed to eat them until completely full. Then they fall asleep in a nearby hedge.

    The next morning they stumble into a field full of nubile young bunnies and proceed to bonk themselves stupid. :nod:

    After another night’s sleep, they discuss their next moves.

    The first rabbit says he’s going back to the first field and gorge on carrots

    The second rabbit says he’s going back to the second field and do some serious bonking.

    The third rabbit says he’s going back to the research facility ic_shock

    “What the f*** for”, the other two gasp.

    “Because I’m gasping for a fag !!!” he replied. :roll:

    8)

  • #180754

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

    An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

    ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

    The doctor was shocked!
    ‘You asked your neighbor?’

    The old man replied,
    ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

  • #180755

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    A wise old bull and a randy young calf were at the top of a field when the farmer introduced a herd of cows into the bottom of the field . The young calf said ” Quick let’s run down there and **** some of them ” , the wise old bull said ” No lets walk down there and **** all of them “

  • #180756

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
    is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
    demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
    instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual
    orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower
    right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
    the ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
    when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know
    what it stands for.

    The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re
    an asshole!”

    Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record
    and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent
    him.

    On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

    Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a
    reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”

    Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and
    mine, same number at the top.”

    Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
    you don’t normally make?”

    “Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,”
    underlined.”

    “What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”

    “Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”

    “Aggressive and hostile?”

    “Yes, Sir.”

    “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for asshole?”

    “Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

    ~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

  • #180757

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Nice one Poppy! 😆 😆

  • #180761

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A guy was driving down the M4 motorway approaching Swansea with his
    blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

    “I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales”.

    “Why do you think that ?” he said.

    “Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says –

    “stit ruoy su wohs”.

  • #180762

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Subject: Loving Wife

    A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: ‘Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!’His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.’

  • #180763

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric


    A tough looking group of bikers was riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

    The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
    “I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

    While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

    So she does… And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

    After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

    “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……..”

  • #180759

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Chess , the modern British edition :- There is no King , the Queen does nothing , the dark pieces do very little and when they do they make up their own rules !

  • #180760

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    How many blonde bimbo’s does it take to change a nappy ?

    I dont know , ask Hugh Hefner

  • #180758

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

    So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

    Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

    “If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.

    The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

    “You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph.

    Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

    She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

    She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”

    The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”

  • #180764

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

    The brunette suggested, “There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it’s not going to be legal.”

    “That doesn’t matter at all,” replied the blonde. “All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.”

    “Alright,” replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.”

    The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette’s advice.

    About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, “Did you sell your car?”

    “No!” replied the blonde. “Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.”

    1

  • #180765

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

    It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

  • #180766

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

    “I need to take that walkman off your head,” says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

    “You can’t! I’ll die!” retorts the blonde.

    “I can’t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!” says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

    “I said you can’t take it off, or I’ll die!”

    The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating “breath in, breath out, breath in”.

  • #180767

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

    Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

    A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

    The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

  • #180768

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) :)) :))

  • #180769

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Nice one about the politicians but I cannot see the farmer burying them unless there is money on it!! 😆 😆

  • #180770

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: “What’s that stuff on those hills?”

    “Just snow,” replied the stewardess.

    “That’s what I thought,” said the lady, “but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.”

  • #180771

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    Duh on the last one poppy. I don’t get it. 😕

  • #180772

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Kiwi, Greece (Grease)

  • #180773

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    You must consider the slowness will be due to cold, Poppy! Kiwis’ having snow just now……..

    Just spoke with my Aunt (down under) and has several layers on just trying to keep warm

  • #180775

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    STOP CHOKING – AUSSIE STYLE …

    A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few
    Seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two
    Locals, Bluey and Dazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

    ‘Ken ya swaller?’ asked Bluey

    The woman signalled ‘No!’, desperately shaking her head.

    ‘Kin ya breathe?’ asked Dazza. The woman shook her head ‘No!!! ‘

    With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
    Yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her
    Bum.

    This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
    Flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

    Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

    Dazza said in admiration ‘Ya know Bluey, I’d heard of that bloody Hind
    Lick Manoeuvre, but that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.’

  • #180776

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
    Must tell that to my Aussie cousin visiting tonight!

  • #180777

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    😆 😆 😆 Heimlich…

  • #180778

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Only the Irish (its Wednesday get you in the mood for the weekend)‏

    1. Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid sods because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

    2. Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.. Mick says, “Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?” Paddy says, “Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter…..

    3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.

    4. Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, – I’ll take her with me!

    5. Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”…. Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

    6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?” Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

    7. Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?” Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

  • #180779

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    An Irishman involved Londons rioting and looting broke into Ladbrokes and lost £50

  • #180780

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Two Irish homosexuals , Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael

  • #180781

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    An Irishman gets a job on a building site and the foreman sends him to fetch a wheelbarrow . When he returns he has two wheelbarrows , one inside the other . The foreman says ” I only asked for one wheelbarrow ” and Paddy replies ” Well you didnt expect me to carry it now , did you ” ?

  • #180782

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    An Irishman rushes into the dry cleaners all irate and demands ” Why dont you answer the phone , I’ve been trying to ring you all day ” ? The assistant asks ” What number were you ringing ” ? Paddy says ” The number in the window of course 08001730 ” The assistant says ” Thats not the phone number , thats our opening hours “

  • #180783

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    A copper in the London riots radioes in to HQ saying “I’ve got a darkie dancing on the roof of a Volkswagen” . ” You cant say that ” says control ” You have to speak properly ” . Copper replies ” Zulu Tango Golf “

  • #180784

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    RIOTERS PRAYER

    RIOTERS PRAYER
    Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the scummy sun, in Liverpool, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we’re happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the telly, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever…Innit !!!!

  • #180785

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
    information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

    Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
    take you safely to Afghanistan ‘

    An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
    ‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ‘

    When the attendant came by he said ‘Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?’
    ‘Yes,’! said the attendant, ‘In fact, this entire crew is female.’

    ‘My God,’ he said, ‘I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think
    with only women up there in the cockpit.’

    ‘That’s another thing, Sergeant,’ said the crew member, ‘We No Longer Call It The Cockpit’
    ‘It’s The Box Office.’

    Quote of the day:

    ‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
    She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of S**t.’

  • #180786

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    @poppy1 wrote:

    If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.

    Man, Am I ever glad that’s only true in a very limited number of cases!! 😯 😯

  • #180787

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    :nod: :nod: :nod: :nod: 😆 :finger:

  • #180788

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his
    father “Hey Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’ and
    ‘realistically’?”

    His Dad thinks for a while and then says “Right-o son…..go and ask your
    mother if she’d sleep with David Beckham for a million quid.”

    The boy trots off and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would!
    She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds.”

    “OK son,” says his dad. “Now go and ask your sister the same question.”

    The boy toddles off, and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would
    too!”

    So then his dad says “Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he’d
    sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds.”

    The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”

    “Well there you have it, son,” said his dad. Theoretically we could be
    sitting on three million quid. Realistically we’re living with two tarts and a
    poof.”

  • #180789

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
    After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?”
    The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

    “What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

    “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

    Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

    Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

    “You dumber than buffalo s**t. It means someone stole the tent.”

  • #180790

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    @poppy1 wrote:

    “You dumber than buffalo s**t. It means someone stole the tent.”

    I thought that used to be a Holmes & Watson joke?? 😕 😕

  • #180791

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    Thought that this was amusing …

  • #180774

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. “Hey doc, I dun’t feel so good, ey” said Wiremu.
    The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
    only cure was testicular removal.
    “No way doc” replied Wiremu “I’m gitting a sicond opinion ey!”
    The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
    Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
    Wiremu was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
    opinion from someone he could trust.

    The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: “Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey”
    “What’s the cure thin doc?” asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
    “Wull, Wiremu”, said the Kiwi doctor “Wi’re gonna huv to cut off your balls.”
    “Phew, thunk god for thut!” said Wiremu, “those Aussie ba**ards wanted to take my test tickets off me!”

  • #180792

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    To My Dear Wife:

    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please do not be upset – I shall be home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

    My Dear Husband:

    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

  • #180793

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Jake the Wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
    I told her that I probably shouldn’t have because, although I’d lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital and I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food was nutritionally complete.
    I then told her that I was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her that it hadn’t; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

  • #180794

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    One evening, while thinking I was being funny, I said to my wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take an inch or 2
    off of your butt!”!

    My wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning I took a pair of underwear out of my drawer. “What is this?” I said to myself as a little dust cloud appeared when I shook them out.

    “Connie”, I hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

    She replied….. “It’s not talcum powder, it’s Miracle Grow!”

  • #180795

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so excitedly
    but I thought, ‘what the heck’, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
    She said, “I have some really great news!”
    I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

    She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she’d been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great I couldn’t be happier for you!”
    Then she said, “There’s more!”
    I asked, “What do you mean there’s more.”
    She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
    Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

    She said…. “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

  • #180796

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world…

    Until he went to prison!headATT00001.jpeg[/attachment:3kfp79m4]

  • #180797

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
    “Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?”
    “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”
    “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
    “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

  • #180798

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    The Greek Trade unions today announced that it is changing it’s Flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance and policies. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed!
    Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

  • #180752

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Shopping for a Husband
    A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

    The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

    The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

    “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

    The fourth floor sign reads:

    Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

    “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

    “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

  • #180799

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    The piano
    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

    The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
    ‘Where on earth did you get that?’ says the bartender.

    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: ‘Here. Rub it.’

    So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
    ‘I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!’

    The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, ‘I want a million bucks!’
    A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, ‘Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.’

    ‘Tell me about it!!’ says the man!

    ‘Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist? ‘

  • #180800

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) :))

  • #180801

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
    He’s got spiked, multicolored hair that’s green, purple, and orange.
    His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
    His legs are bare and he’s without shoes.
    His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

    He sits down in the only vacant seat,
    directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
    Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
    “What are you looking at you old fart… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”

    Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
    “Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
    and made love with a parrot.
    I thought maybe you were my son.”

  • #180802

    DayGloScooter
    Participant
    Neophyte

    @poppy1 wrote:

    Shopping for a Husband
    A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.


    The sixth floor sign reads:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

    Did you know that there is another store across the road selling Wives?

    Same principle: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a woman from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    So, on the first floor, the sign says “These women are good looking”
    On the second floor, the sign says “These women are good looking and wealthy”
    On the third floor, the sign says “These women are good looking, wealthy and love sex”

    Nobody knows what’s on the fourth floor

  • #180803

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

    “Certainly madam”, he replied courteously.

    “Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.

    “Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”

    Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.

    “Certainly madam,” he replied.

    “And may I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely.

    The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please,” Mary mused.

    After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and next morning, Mary came down early to check out.

    The same guy was still on the desk. “Morning madam…sleep well?”

    “Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.

    “Food to your liking?”

    “Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs ….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.

    “Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.

    “Ok I will…thanks!” replied Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

    Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. She wrote:

    “Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!”

  • #180804

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

    “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

    “Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    “Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”

    “Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

    “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    “Pepe… go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

    “Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? “

    “Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees

    Ees a ham bush….”

  • #180805

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    There ought to be a law against Dutch people telling jokes 😉

  • #180806

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    @nimbus wrote:

    There ought to be a law against Dutch people telling jokes 😉

    It gets worse… 😳 😳

    It was an American who mailed it to me 😯 😯 😯

    :mrgreen:

  • #180807

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Interesting Body Statistics…

    ■It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
    ■One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
    ■The average man’s pe*is is three times the length of his thumb.
    ■Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
    ■A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
    ■There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
    ■Women blink twice as often as men.
    ■The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
    ■Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
    ■If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
    ■Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs !!!!

  • #180808

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    There is nothing worse than after a bout of rough sex with a girl from the docks, that when you look down and see a burst condom hanging from your kn*b……………

    ………………….

    ………………….

    ……………………

    ………………….

    especially when you weren’t wearing one when you started……….. :retard:

    8)

    no doubt this will be deleted ic_confused

  • #180809

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A zookeeper starts work at his new job on a Friday to break him into things before a fresh week. For his first duty he is sent to clear out the aviary.
    He is happily sweeping away when suddenly he hears a “crunch”. To his dismay he looks down to find he has accidentally trodden on & killed a rare finch. Not wanting to get in trouble he panics, scoops up the bird & throws it in the lion enclosure, the hungry lion gobbling it up. He returns to his supervisor, and for his next duty gets send to feed the chimps in the chimp house. He starts to play with the chimps throwing them fruit, letting them swing off his broom. In his exuberance however, he manages to knock a chimp off balance that falls awkwardly from a tree & breaks his neck. “Oh no” he thinks .. “I’ve killed 2 animals on my first day .. I’m bound to get sacked”.
    So again, while nobody is looking he picks up the chimp & throws him in the lion’s enclosure where the lion gobbles him up. Sheepishly he returns to his supervisor, who unknowingly is pleased with his work. For his final task of the day the supervisor sends him to the beehives. The zoo keeps its own bees to sell honey in the shop. His task is to collect the honeycombs to make the honey. This time all seems to be going fine, until a bee gets inside his mask. Frantically he trys to swat the bee, but topples over onto the hive, smashing it & crushing all the other bees!
    To avoid the sack once more, he scoops up the crushed bees & throws them to the lion. Next day, there’s a new arrival at the zoo … a mate for the lion. “What’s the food like here ?” asks the new arrival. “Oh, you know” says the lion…
    “Just the usual Friday stuff… Finch, Chimp & Mushy Bees…”

  • #180810

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, ‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?

    The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

    The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

    The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

    The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

    The next night, the pub is packed.

    In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’

    The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

    The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

    Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

    The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

    In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

    The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties…’

    The rabbit looks aghast.

    The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’

    The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it.’

    The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

    The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’

    ‘Ok,’ says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’

    The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

    He then waves to the crowd and leaves….

    NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


    One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

    When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

    The barman says, ‘Who are you?’,

    To which he is answered,

    ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’

    The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous.

    You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’

    The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’

    The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’

    The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

    The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’

    ‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.

    ‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’

    After a short pause, the rabbit said…

    ‘Mixin-me-toasties.’

  • #180811

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    WHAT IS POLITICS
    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
    The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
    The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”

  • #180812

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    @the reiver wrote:

    no doubt this will be deleted ic_confused

    Nope anything goes these days, hmmmm apart from gays and our coloured brethren they seem to be a no go area and so….

    A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

    She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’
    He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’
    So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

    One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

    After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
    She said, ‘That was incredible!’
    He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’

    So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
    After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
    He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

    ‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

    😆

  • #180813

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    @nimbus wrote:

    Nope anything goes these days, hmmmm apart from gays and our coloured brethren they seem to be a no go area and so….

    Yes, but I knew I could rely on Bandit’s support. :roll:

    8)

  • #180814

    Bandit
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Just to lower the tone a bit again then 😳

    One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
    The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey,
    I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..’
    The husband, rejected, turns over.
    A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
    ‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’

    Regards,
    Bandit. 😈

  • #180815

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    City gent on the way home from work coming out of railway station in the suburbs sees a florist and thinking back that his wife deserves a treat , buys some flowers . Greeted at the door he hands over the bouquet and watches her run upstairs . Being a man of habit he removes his bowler hat , hangs his raincoat , places his brolly in the stand and tentatively goes upstairs to be surprised at the vision of his wife naked and laid back on the bed , legs wide open . Whats this for ? He asks , ” For the flowers ” ! He replies ‘ Don’t be stupid , get a vase ‘

  • #180816

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    A “Jethro” joke.

    Penburthy, an elderly Cornish farmer received a letter from the Dept. of Works & Pensions stating that they suspected he wasn’t paying his employees enough, an they were sending an inspector to check.

    On the appointed day the inspector turned up. “tell me about your staff” he asked.

    Penburthy replied, “Well, there’s the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper who gets £190 a week plus free board and lodgings”

    “Oh yes, then there’s the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns around £25 a week, plus a bottle of gin,and occasionally gets to s**g my wife”

    “That’s the one I want to speak to” said the inspector, “the half-wit”

    Penburthy said ” You already are”…………… :nod:

    8)

  • #180817

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Not sure if this one will please SJS or KP more, but please do not open up old war wounds! reb_bravo reb_bravo

    Leviticus – what to do! Can we own Canadians too?

    In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox
    Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and
    cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an
    open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the
    Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

    Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have
    learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
    many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual
    lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly
    states it to be an abomination …. End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

    1.. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
    provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine
    claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
    Why can’t I own Canadians?

    2.. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
    21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3.. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
    period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I
    tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4.. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
    pleasing odour for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They
    claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5.. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
    clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
    him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6.. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
    abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
    don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

    7.. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
    defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
    vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
    around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
    How should they die?

    9.. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
    unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
    crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
    different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
    and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
    of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we
    just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people
    who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

  • #180818

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

    Would be interesting to know whether Dr Schlesinger has gone through the trouble of answering? 😆 😆

  • #180819

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    yes it would Ian, and to see the answers, personally I agree with the Dr regarding homosexuality being an abomination, but not for any religious reason, in my view the practice has contributed greatly to the downfall of many civilizations and it will undoubtedly play a leading role in the termination of the one in which we are living :nod:

  • #180820

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    All the above ‘questions’ are actually what Jews practice in their religion. Especially the Orthodox Jews who are very strict. I read a Jewish Recipe book that was for the orthodox, and it was an eye opener. They have similar laws as the Muslims, but are actually much stricter. Muslims don’t need to bestrictly kosher.

  • #180821

    stabitandsteer
    Participant
    Neophyte

    Re : point 6 above , how bad is the punishment for homosexuals who eat shellfish !!!!!!!!! 😆

  • #180822

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Well I thought that the questions demonstrated a certain level if wit :) and think that any religious discussion should be posted elsewhere otherwise our thread of funnies will get well and truly hijacked! :(

    Best let Sunnyboy know not to grow marigolds with his tomatoes next year reb_bravo reb_bravo 😉

    Come on now; another amusing story? 😉 Do tell all…….. :nod: :nod:

  • #180823

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Women Are VERY Naughty………………….

    A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub…
    She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
    She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
    As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
    “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands..
    “Actually, no,” he replied.
    “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her
    Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    “I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
    “Yes.. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her
    Forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
    And allowing him to suck them gently.
    “What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.
    “Tell him,” she whispered,
    “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

  • #180824

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    HA,ha ha…good one. Welcome back poppy.

  • #180825

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    And for your delectation…

    Man walks into a library

    He asks the young female librarian in the Health section,

    “Do you have the new best selling book for men with short penises? I can’t remember the title.”

    She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”

    The man said, “That’s the one. I’ll take it please”. :p

  • #180826

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) :)) :)) :)) :))

  • #180827

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day.
    Upon completion of the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    “In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
    “This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.”
    After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
    The doctor then said, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
    “Oh that old buzzard!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!!!”

  • #180828

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

    “Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”

    “OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll ’round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”

    “Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.

    There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see this…two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so’s there’s no trouble.”
    So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
    Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like 18-year-olds. This goes on for about thirty minutes! She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
    The policeman, still watching thinks, “that was truly amazing; he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.”
    As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was really something else, you must have been at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

    “No, there’s no secret,” the old man says,”except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”

  • #180829

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A quite beautiful female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

    “No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
    The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me though!”

    The female dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
    “No objection,” the patient says. “‘I’m fine with pills.”
    The dentist then returns and she says, “Here’s a Viagra.”

    The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

    “It doesn’t” said the female dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth 😆 😆

  • #180830

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Here is a very useful tip if you don’t already know about it . . . .

    The Patch….

    The other day I needed to go to A & E.

    Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

    When I went into the A & E, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

    I guess they decided that they weren’t that sick after all.

    Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

    Here’s the patch.

    Feel free to use it the next time you’re in need of quicker emergency service.

    It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

    At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

    Don’t try it at McDonald’s though…..

    The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order…

  • #180831

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

    So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

  • #180832

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
    The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay Go ahead.”
    Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”
    Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
    The auditor’s jaw drops. Ralph says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
    The auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
    Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye
    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
    “Want to go double or nothing?” Ralph asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand beside one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, resulting in him urinating all over the desk.
    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss in to a huge win, but Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
    “Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.” :p

  • #180833

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Thanks Poppy, cheered me up a bit :roll: after the Rugby result of this morning! But it’ll take as lot more to make me happy just now!!! : : : :

  • #180834

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.
    “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
    “Not a chance”, she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.
    “Not a problem”, replied the doctor. “Give him an “Irish Viagra”. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in aweek to let me know how things went.”
    a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
    The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”
    “Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
    “Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
    He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
    tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
    “Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

    “Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!” (why wont it let me say Star Bucks )

  • #180835

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

    The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

    “How much?” asked Grandpa

    “$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son.

    “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”

    Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

    He called Grandpa and said “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.”

    I know,” said Grandpa … “The hundred is from your mother!”

  • #180836

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Five Top Surgeons from 5 different greek Islands are at a medical convention discussing who makes the best Patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon, from Corfu , says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

    The second, from Zante , responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’

    The third surgeon, from Rhodes , says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

    The fourth surgeon, from Mykonos chimes in: ‘You know, I like construction workers … those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.’

    But the fifth surgeon, from Athens shuts them all up when he observed:
    ‘You’re all wrong! Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!

  • #180837

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go un rewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    “Sandy!”, he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear? “

    She replied with a snicker. “It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!!”

  • #180838

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Yep. Feelin’ better now, Poppy!

    …just about………………………

  • #180839

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    I am now Kolo, was bored yesterday and thought you lot needed cheering up!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Four Worms

    Four Worms and a lesson to be learned
    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

    The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

    Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

    Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation –

    What did you learn from this demonstration?

    Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    ‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’

    That pretty much ended the service —

  • #180840

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    High Speed Grandma was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, racing up and down the nursing home corridors and taking the corners on one wheel. Because she was one sandwich short of a picnic, some of the other residents joined in.

    One day HSG was bombing down a corridor when Kooky Clarence stepped out, held his hand up, and demanded to see her driving licence. HSG digs in her handbag, digs out an old KitKat wrapper and waves it at him. “Okay” he said and off she zoomed.

    At the TV lounge corner, Weird Harold jumps out and demands to see her insurance documents. Again she digs into her bag and pulls out a beer coaster. “OK he said, on your way ma’am”

    As she approached the final corridor, Crazy Craig jumps out in front of her. He is b*llock naked and holding his manhood in his hand. ic_shock

    “Oh no,” screams HSG, “not the bloody breathalyzer again” :unibrow:

    8)

  • #180841

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    A Greek and a Scotsman are sitting in Starbucks discussing who had the superior culture.

    Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says “Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon” arching his eyebrows.

    The Scotsman replies “We Scots discoverd the summer and winter solstices”

    The Greek retorts ” we gave birth to advanced mathematics”

    The Scotsman nodded in agreement and added ” Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars”

    And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion……..

    and with a flourish of finality ” We Geeks invented sex!”

    The Scotsman replies “Aye, that is so, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women” :nod:

    8)

  • #180842

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    SEXUAL HARASSMENT

    Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
    After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

    The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

    The woman replies, “It’s Keith, …… The dwarf”

  • #180843

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
    The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
    A moment of silence passes and the guy says,
    “I can’t believe they f****d my wife after only five beers!” 😆

  • #180844

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Taffy, a sheep, and a sheepdog, the sole survivors of a shipwreck are washed up on a desert island. At night they sit by the campfire watching the sunsets, and after a few weeks Taffy gets the urge and puts his arm round the sheep’s shoulder. The dog, being protective of the sheep, growls and Taffy moves away.

    A few weeks later, a beautiful naked blonde is washed up on the beach. All four now sit on the beach watching the sunsets. Again after a couple of weeks, Taffy gets the urge. He puts his arms round the blonde and whispers gently in her ear…….

    “will you take the dog for a walk” :retard:

    8)

  • #180845

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Old people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘”Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

    The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”

    The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

  • #180846

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) :))

  • #180847

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl’s place for a drink.
    A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
    The girl looked at him and says: ‘You must be a dentist!’
    Flabergasted, the guy responded ‘Yes, that’s amazing how did you figure that out ?’
    The girl said: ‘Easy …. you keep washing your hands’
    One thing led to another, they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said: ‘You must be a GREAT dentist!’
    The guy was very very surprised, and said ‘Yes, I sure am a great dentist … How did you figure that out??’
    The girl said: ‘Easy … I didn’t feel a thing’

  • #180848

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
    He opened his newspaper and started reading — a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, “Father what causes arthritis?”
    “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.”
    “Well I’ll be damned”, the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.
    “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong — how long have you had arthritis?”
    “I don’t, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it”

  • #180849

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

    Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat” he asked. The lady was insulted; “you Americans are so rude” she said, “can’t you see my dog is sitting there”? He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down” he said. The lady replied “you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant” she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said “lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied “you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

    With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

  • #180850

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.
    The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
    She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

    The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy…and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

    “I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.

    “Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

    “Like this?”

    “A little more…”

    “Like this?”

    “No. A little more…”

    “Like this?”

    “Yes. Does that hurt?”

    “A little bit.”

    “Now stretch it over your head!”

    OUCH!!!!!!!!

  • #180851

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
    On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.
    Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female.
    Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
    swallowed him whole.
    The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
    Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
    “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his
    friend.
    The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
    “Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”
    “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

  • #180852

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

    “You know, dear,” she says, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

    He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

  • #180853

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    An Irish boy stands at the side of the road, crying his eyes out.

    A passing man asks “what the matter ?”

    “Me ma’s died,” says the boy.

    “Oh bejaysus,” says the man, “do you want me to call Father Murphy for ye ?”

    The boy replies, “no tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment !” :unibrow:

    8)

  • #180854

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    The Greek Brothel

    The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

    “May I help you sir?” she asked.
    The man replied, “I want to see Maria
    “Sir, Maria is one of our most expensive ladies
    Perhaps you would prefer someone else” , said the madam.
    He replied, “No, I must see Maria
    Just then, Maria appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Maria, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, the man calmly left.
    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Maria.
    Maria explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
    “There are no discounts. The price is still £5000.”
    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Maria, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, he left.
    The following night the man was there yet again.
    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Maria and they went upstairs.
    After their session, Maria said to the man,
    “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
    Where are you from?”
    The man replied, Athens
    “Really,” she said. “I have family in Athens .”
    “I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her lawyer
    She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance.”

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer

  • #180855

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    There were two nuns
    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
    and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)
    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It’s logical. He wants to ****us.
    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later… SM: It’s not working.
    SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
    Then Sister Logical arrives.
    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me
    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
    SM: And?
    SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
    SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
    Say two Hail Marys!

  • #180856

    nimbus
    Participant
    Homeric

    1. The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen
    table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
    no reason. I thought to myself “She’s going through the change.”

    2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they
    wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
    What a pair of sexist tw@ts. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse
    the bloody thing! 😆

  • #180857

    kiwi
    Participant
    Aristotelic

    :)) reb_bravo nimbie

  • #180858

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Went round to see my dyslexic friend yesterday (Sun 30) and found him covering his genitals with boot polish. ic_shock

    My fault of course as I reminded to turn his clock back ! :nod:

    8)

  • #180859

    kolofarthos
    Participant
    Homeric

    Thanks for the reminder about the clocks having to go back. Does this apply to the table and chairs I had on approval too?

  • #180860

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Computer Gender
    An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as she.” One of the students raised her hand and asked, What gender is a computer?”
    The teacher wasn’t certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

    The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

    The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

  • #180861

    the reiver
    Participant
    Oracle

    Paddy & Mick fancy a pint or two but are a bit skint and only have a Euro between them.

    Paddy says “I have a plan” and goes into the butcher’s and buys a large sausage.
    Mick says “you’re crazy, now we have no money”

    Paddy says “don’t worry, just follow me”

    They go into the pub and Paddy orders two pints of the black stuff, and two whiskey chasers.
    Mick says “now you’ve done it, we’ve got no money and we’ll be in big trouble now”

    Paddy says “don’t worry, I have a plan. Cheers!”

    They down their drinks and Paddy says “now here’s the plan. I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper, you get down on your knees and put it in your mouth”

    The barman saw them, went mental, and threw them out.

    They continued this pub by pub getting free drinks and getting drunk.

    After the tenth pub Mick says to Paddy “I don’t think I can do this any more. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me”

    Paddy says “how do think I feel, I can’t even remember in which pub I lost the sausage” :unibrow:

    8)

  • #180862

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Good one 😆 😆 😆 😆 reb_bravo

  • #180863

    The Grocer
    Participant
    Oracle

    19 Irish men turn up for a film premier in Leicester Square….

    Paddy says to the ticket booth women “” 19 of your best seats please”

    Heck there’s allot of you aren’t there?

    Paddy replies:-

    Yes I know but it said over 18 only on the bill board!

  • #180864

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    An Irish Priest
    One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
    “What’s wrong with you?” said the irish priest.
    “Well,” said the frog, “the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn’t always a frog.”
    “Really!” said the irish priest. “Can you explain!”
    “Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. ‘Let me pass!’ I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.”
    “That’s an incredible story.” said the irish priest. “Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?.”
    “Yes” said the frog, “It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again.”
    “Today’s your lucky day!” said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

    And that my lord is the case for the Defense…….

  • #180865

    poppy1
    Participant
    Homeric

    Stupid Wives
    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

    The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a freezer to keep it in.”

    The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”

    The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it,” he chuckles. “Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn’t even have a penis!”

  • #180866

    Ian
    Participant
    Homeric

  • #180867

    poppy1
    Participant